Lost Luggage
I was in some form of debt for nearly 20 years.
The last three years of my life have been dedicated to radical debt eradication.
I didn't realize it at the time - but debt was kind of like my baby.
I thought about it constantly.
I would strategize about how to pay it down.
I would run numbers in my head.
I had a running calculation everytime I spent money.
Or made money.
I was obsessed.
This wasn't necessarily a bad thing.
It kept me passionate.
It kept me focused.
It provided momentum and motivation.
For years.
And then... all of a sudden it was over.
Being debt-free doesn't feel like what I had imagined.
Nothing is left.
No problem to be solved.
I don't owe anything anymore.
There is such a foreign sense of relief.
And, at the same time, there's a sense of confusion - almost a lack of identity.
What the hell am I going to think about now?
Who the fuck am I - if I'm not trying to pay of this debt?
I wasn't expecting this experience on the other side of debt.
I was expecting huge relief. A feeling of abundance and freedom.
And don't get me wrong. Those were there too.
But what I really felt like...
Was I had just landed at the arrival gate for a fabulous trip.
And I had lost my luggage.
There's a thrill of having everything gone.
Knowing that I can replace it all with new bright and shiny things.
I could replace the old faded sundresses.
And the pair of heels with nicks on the straps.
I could replace the worn out sweater.
The jacket that's been washed too many times.
But, there's a sense of strange loss.
Even when you lose things that you don't want anymore.
These things had defined me.
They were my story for so long.
And then they were gone.
And by losing them on purpose.
I had set myself free to find a new story.
Free to choose my own life.
I did not need this luggage.
I didn't even want it.
I was just so used to carrying it.
And for the first time - I was allowed to put it down.
Leave it behind.
And walk straight into my future.
What I've realized:
I have lost my luggage. On purpose.
And I am free to travel without my old shoddy past.
I am free to choose new things.
I am free to choose new stories.
I am free to travel.
Without baggage.
And that.
Is sweet freedom.