I want to talk about the covert and dangerous female narcissist, the emotional abuse and harm they do, and some of the top signs you may be dealing with one. This topic is especially important to me because almost all of my private clients tend to be children of narcissists…specifically narcissistic mothers. And the thing is, until we work together, most of my clients don’t even see the narcissist hiding in plain sight! The good thing is once you see it, you can’t unsee it. And that’s why I want to discuss the 5 most common signs of a female narcissist.
If you struggle with anxiety, low self-esteem, self-doubt, self-blame, people-pleasing tendencies, lack of boundaries, or find yourself stuck in codependent relationships, this information is absolutely crucial for your personal growth. You might have one in your life as well.
Female Narcissists Are Hidden In Plain Sight
It is easy to overlook female narcissists because they are often women who haven’t emotionally matured beyond teenage mean girl tactics. They are often covert in their narcissistic tactics and pretend to be vulnerable instead of dangerous.
The female narcissist is often hiding in plain sight. We don’t see them because we aren’t looking for them, instead we often project kindness or empathy where there is none. We see a sweet young girl, a loving mother, a harmless old lady, or a catty best friend because we’re taught not to see who they really are—in a lot of cases we’ve actually been trained to not see it by the female narcissist in the center of it all.
The truth is that women at any age can be vindictive, cruel and ruthless. Mothers are not always loving—some of them abandon, neglect or abuse their children. Friends are not always friendly—some are more than willing to use you, steal from you, and hurt you.
Here are the top five traits and behaviors to watch out for if you suspect someone might be a narcissist and some tips on how to cope:
Female Narcissists Lack Empathy
Female narcissists struggle to understand and share the feelings of others but they are more than willing to feed off of yours. They are self-absorbed, placing their own needs above everything and everyone else. They exploit or manipulate you without a second thought. She actually gets off on bringing you down and this type of emotional abuse leaves a wake of destruction. It brings her a sick sense of joy when she shocks you, offends you, and watches as you lose any sense of confidence. She is interested when you share your emotions, but not because she’s empathetic. She’s looking for information that either inflates her sense of grandiosity, or will become currency to use against you.
At first she will idealize you—this doesn’t mean that she likes you. Instead it means she likes the way you make her feel about herself. She’ll punish you when you threaten her fragile grandiosity or stop feeding her ego. She cannot engage in healthy, emotionally fulfilling relationships, so she enjoys sabotaging the relationships and friendships of others for her own personal entertainment and she will do anything to hurt your self-esteem.
Female Narcissists Need Constant Validation
They have an insatiable sense of competitiveness, due to pathological envy and the need to be the center of attention. Female narcissists crave constant affirmation and validation. They rely on you to validate their existence and will do anything to remain in the spotlight. Their world revolves around compliments and attention, and they will go to great lengths to secure it.
Some of the most abusive tactics will fall within the realm of family and friendships. The female narcissist scopes out who is a threat and who is a blind follower. If you’re a threat in any way (whether it’s success, appearance, personality, resources, status, desirability or all of the above) she will cut you out and get rid of you, while those who are obedient will be kept around until they are no longer useful.
If you’re a threat, you might initially be placed on a pedestal to keep up appearances within the family or social circle… but soon enough she won’t be able to handle her feelings of contempt, envy and rage. So, she’ll set you up to fail and then she’ll make sure that the entire group knows that you’re an untouchable, ostracized, outsider.
Female Narcissists Disguise Manipulative Behavior as “Care”
Female narcissists are masters of manipulation. They possess an uncanny ability to use you to their advantage, often employing subtle tactics to control and influence people. They exploit your vulnerabilities for personal gain, leaving a trail of emotional wreckage in their wake.
The female narcissist may use you to gain access to resources or status, but if you stop doing your job (and your job—in case you don’t know—is to make her feel good about herself) then she’ll do a full social take down. She’ll start rumors, smear campaigns, and talk behind your back—spreading false and/or humiliating information about you to try to maintain her false superiority—always positioning herself as being better, smarter, and more powerful than you. She’ll pit friends and family against each other by claiming that they are gossiping about one another, when in fact, she’s the one manufacturing conflict.
You might have a female narcissist in your midst if:
You notice that others within the family or friend group exchange covert glances when you come into the room. The narcissist will be the one who’s overly friendly in contrast—covering up that she was the one talking about you behind your back.
Or you might notice that you feel compelled to over-share your most intimate secrets with her. The narcissist will seem disarmingly sweet and trustworthy but ends up using this information against you. She’ll exploit what you’ve shared and use it to gain power within the family or group. She’ll talk down to you about your vulnerabilities and show smugness while she devalues your accomplishments.
Female Narcissists Have Excessive Self-Importance
A female narcissist often displays an inflated self-image (although she actually feels the exact opposite), constantly seeking admiration and recognition. Attention is her lifeline, and she thrives on admiration, both online and offline. She will go to great lengths to maintain her carefully crafted image.
The female narcissist battles with other females for dominance and uses her charm, fabricated vulnerabilities, faux humility, her appearance, or anything else to gain superiority. She will inflate whatever aspect might help her “win” against you. This might translate into a grandiose sense of physical, sexual, or intellectual superiority, an exaggerated tale of romance within her marriage, or using the achievements of her own children to gain the upper hand.
A female narcissist might also use wealth, achievements, social status, or her career as an indication of her superiority as well. She might use her accumulation of credentials, degrees, and accomplishments to control and devalue you. She might covertly try to appear vulnerable as if you are the one that’s hurting her through your achievements. She might hurt you and bully you under the guise of “constructive criticism.” Of course, she’ll say you’re being overly sensitive if you get your feelings hurt. She’ll do whatever it takes to make sure she's the one at the top of the dominance hierarchy and that you remain beneath her.
Female Narcissists Disregard Boundaries
A female narcissist believes she deserves special treatment and privileges, considering herself above others. She expects you to bend to her will and becomes frustrated or even angry when her desires aren't immediately fulfilled. Her sense of entitlement knows no bounds… which is why she ignores, crosses, and destroys any boundaries that you might try to put into place.
The female narcissist wants to believe she has an audience of admirers—friends, family, strangers, coworkers, fans online and offline—doesn’t matter who they are or if they really exist.
She sees this audience as something to use not only for validation but more that it actually gives her proof that she exists. A narcissist can’t live in a vacuum, she’ll die without a steady supply of admiration… so she needs you, as part of her imaginary audience, to be boundaryless. To her, you are simply an extension of her existence—you are a tool to be used. If you set limits, or make yourself unavailable for use, she will resent you, punish you, and do whatever it takes to devastate you into complying.
When it comes to the female narcissist, her response to your boundaries will tell you all that you need to know. Most narcissists cannot stand to be ignored; they feel entitled to your constant attention, so they will continue to make persistent efforts until they get it or attempt to sabotage you if they fail.
To recap, here are the top 5 signs of female narcissists:
Female narcissists lack empathy and get a sadistic sense of pleasure from your pain.
Female narcissists need constant validation. They have an insatiable sense of competitiveness, due to pathological envy and the need to be the center of attention.
Her manipulative behavior is disguised as “care”. She sabotages your friendships and relationships, stirring chaos within social groups.
She has excessive self-importance, superiority, and grandiosity.
She has an unhealthy sense of entitlement. A blatant disregard for boundaries, including her own.
To make sure that you stop attracting narcissists, and to get better at spotting emotional vampires, you need to learn about how to avoid the trap of codependency—go read this next: Codependency & Emotional Vampires: The Power of Boundaries