When was the last time you told someone, “No—I can’t do that for you”? The last time you felt comfortable asserting yourself? The last time you felt confident enough to share an opposing opinion?
Do you ever feel like it’s your job to make people like you and it's your fault if they don’t? If you ever feel selfish and guilty when you want to say no, or if you ever feel pressure to outwardly appear happier, friendlier, and more helpful than you secretly feel on this inside, then you, like me, might struggle with people pleasing.
The Psychology of People Pleasers
It is completely normal to want to belong and to want to be liked. But for some of us, we feel a deep sense of stress, anxiety, or a compulsive need to fix it when we believe that people around us are unhappy, or when we believe someone doesn’t like us.
Agreeableness is one of the “Big Five” personality traits (the others being openness, conscientiousness, extraversion, and neuroticism). Agreeableness is the concern for social harmony. People high in agreeableness value getting along with others. They are generally considerate, kind, generous, trusting and helpful.
When you’re fundamentally compassionate and caring, you typically don’t like conflict. You probably want to put people at ease. You might tend to go along with the group rather than creating waves. And it’s good to have this characteristic—we need kind, generous, and compassionate people in the world.
One of the problems with this is that you are more likely to be a target of disagreeable types—narcissists, psychopaths, argumentative, cold, selfish, hostile and abusive people. And it becomes an even larger problem when you’re unable, unwilling, or unaware of when to stop being agreeable.
Why We People Please
The need to please is related to our need to belong. This is a social instinct that evolved to keep us safe within groups so we could survive. This means we have a natural instinct to people please—this instinct helps us work together and cooperate within a community.
For most of human history, the threat of exile or ostracism meant certain death. We evolved to experience a few painful emotions—sharp feedback systems—to keep us in check and to keep us safe within a group. Shame is one of the painful emotions—it’s a signal that we are doing something that puts us at risk within the group. Rejection is a terribly painful emotion we experience when we’ve been excluded. We have an innate fear of rejection—making it extremely uncomfortable to risk a relationship, or to risk our place within a community.
When you’re emotionally healthy and secure, you will risk exile, ostracism, shame and rejection to protect yourself and those you love. Basically this means your self-preservation instinct outweighs your social-connection instinct.
People pleasing syndrome is when the instinct to belong outweighs the instinct to survive. It’s when your social instinct is on hyperdrive at the risk of self-preservation or protecting those you love.
People pleasing syndrome, sometimes called “the disease to please”, is the opposite. This is when the instinct to belong outweighs the instinct to survive. It’s when your social instinct is on hyperdrive at the risk of self-preservation or protecting those you love. Typically this happens when you’ve been raised, trained, or have learned that survival relies on your need to be agreeable, to belong, and to go along. This means that to be safe you had to be “nice”, be boundaryless, and to at least pretend to be happy, friendly, and helpful. You may have been raised by a parent whose love was conditional, or who was emotionally unavailable. You may have learned that you got more love, affection, or your basic needs met when you were being friendly, helpful, and giving.
For example, if your parent is a narcissist, your life depended on being agreeable—polite, kind, generous to someone who was harming you. So rather than having the instinct to protect yourself, the best protection for a child within that narcissistic dynamic is often agreeableness. This may have kept you safe as a child, but it massively backfires as an adult because you will keep attracting predators who want to use you.
Why We Need to Stop People Pleasing
It’s easy to fall into the people pleasing trap because you tend to get positive feedback for this habit. People pleasing pleases people. But, the effects of this compulsion over a long period of time can be devastating.
First of all, it obliterates your self-esteem. When you place more importance on how you appear and what others think of you, by definition, you are devaluing yourself. As your self-worth plummets, your compulsion to please others rises and you end up in a desperate cycle of performing for others and hoping to gain worth. This never works and you end up exhausting your resources, until you’re a burned out, resentful, shell of yourself.
Secondly, you need to heal. To have healthy and loving relationships, to be a better parent, and to live a fulfilling life, you can not continue unhealthy patterns from your past. By repeatedly pleasing others, you stay stuck in a cycle of dysfunction. For your own emotional, physical and mental health—you need to end the pattern.
The third reason is that you attract predators. When you don’t know how to say no, or when you need to say no, you’re unintentionally inviting dark personalities into your life. The more compulsive and unaware you are about your people pleasing habit, the more danger you invite to yourself and those around you.
Three Practical Steps to Break the Cycle:
Procrastinate on purpose. Instead of answering right away, wait for at least a day before you reply. Use the phrase, “I’ll let you know tomorrow,” or “I’ll get back to you tomorrow.” This will help you be more aware of your compulsion. Notice if discomfort comes up and see if this feels like an unhealthy childhood pattern. Use the 24-hours to gain insight into your own habit and discomfort so you can let go of dysfunctional baggage before you say yes or no.
Name the discomfort. When you find yourself flipping into people pleasing mode, try to articulate the exact discomfort you’re wanting to avoid. Ask yourself: What would I be forced to feel if I don’t people please right now?
Lean toward courage. People pleasing is often motivated by fear—fear of not being liked, fear of rejection, fear of not belonging. To stop this habit, instead of relying on “niceness and agreeableness” start leaning toward courage and inner strength. Lean toward the courage to not be liked all the time, the resilience to endure rejection, and the strength to take risks. Start valuing courage in yourself and others and try to take small steps of courage in your relationships.
so to recap…
Why You Need to Stop
It Obliterates your self-esteem.
You need to heal to have better relationships.
You attract predators.
How to Stop
procrastinate on purpose.
name the discomfort.
lean towards courage.
Now that you have an understanding about the psychology of people pleasing, you might want to learn about the dark-side of people pleasing—where fear, control, and manipulation come into play. If so, read this next—Break Free From People Pleasing: Embrace Your True Worth