One of the worst things you can find out is that you were being manipulated without realizing it. I’m about to tell you a cringe-worthy story about the last vacation we took as a family before I filed for divorce. I’ll also shed light on the four manipulation tactics my ex used that seem so obvious now that I know better, and what I’d do differently today to stop a covert narcissist in his tracks.
The Hidden Signs of Covert Narcissism
In my personal life, it was a lot easier for me to spot the grandiose narcissist. But the covert narcissists were the ones that snuck in the back door. I remember how confusing it was for me when I first started learning about covert narcissism. The signs are all so subtle, but once I started looking back on my own history, things that had never made sense to me finally started to click into place.
What really stood out in my interactions with the covert narcissists, was this overwhelming feeling of guilt mixed with this sense of heavy obligation. I felt that all the time. Like I could never do enough, be enough. Like I was always disappointing them. Like I should be trying harder to give them more. And that’s how I felt on that trip to Hawaii.
Our Last Vacation
I remember one of the last trips we took as a family, when my daughter was little. My ex-husband said he didn't want to fly with us because it was so hard to travel with a little kid. I loved traveling with her, so to me, I was happy to book separately, honestly... I was happier when I wasn't with him. It wasn't until he had already left to go home, at the end of the week, when I was checking out of the hotel—where I realized he had left his luggage. So now, I not only had my own luggage and a little girl and all of the things to keep her happy on the plane, but now I had his luggage as well. Okay, let me pause and explain what was going on for me.
Four Manipulation Tactics of a Covert Narcissist
There were four main manipulation tactics that I didn’t understand or recognize. So before I tell you the even more mind blowing thing that happened once we got home, let me walk you through what I wish I’d understood then.
First Tactic: Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where the abuser deliberately manipulates facts, information, or your memories to make you doubt your own perceptions and reality. In a relationship with a covert narcissist, gaslighting often manifests subtly; they may deny saying or doing something, trivialize your feelings, or shift blame onto you, all with the aim of eroding your self-trust and making you more reliant on their version of reality.
In this scenario, he gaslit me by claiming throughout the vacation that he had never asked to be on a separate plane.
He denied that he’d asked for that and repeatedly told me that I’d booked a vacation without inviting him.
Second Tactic: Stonewalling
This is a refusal to communicate or engage with someone, particularly in discussions that require emotional involvement. In the context of a relationship with a covert narcissist, stonewalling serves as a manipulative tactic to avoid accountability and maintain control. By shutting down communication, the covert narcissist leaves you feeling isolated and invalidated, while avoiding any responsibility for their actions or behaviors.
I wish I would have seen this one, because this was his go-to manipulation tactic for years. When I asked why he didn’t want to fly with us, he’d clinch his jaw and say nothing. He’d act like I wasn’t saying words. And then when I tried to pressure him to give me an answer, and finally confronted him, asking if it even occurred to him that I might need help navigating the trip with a child—he didn’t even blink. He was calloused and cold and responded with a flat, “No.”
Third Tactic: Toxic Guilt
In a relationship with a covert narcissist, you may often find yourself feeling selfish or guilty for expressing your own needs and boundaries. This is a calculated tactic: the narcissist twists conversations to make it seem like your reasonable requests are actually impositions, selfish demands, or evidence that you don't care about them. The end result is that you're left questioning your own motives and feeling guilty for wanting basic respect and understanding.
It didn't even occur to me that I could just leave his luggage behind. I would have been crushed with guilt if I'd even thought that way.
So, I just did the next thing... and took his stuff to the airport, paid the extra luggage fee, and continued home.
Fourth Tactic: Playing the Victim
But before I tell you the really crazy thing that happened, you have to understand one more manipulation tactic which is that covert narcissists are masters at playing the victim.
This is a tactic where the covert narcissist manipulates situations to appear as if they are the injured party, regardless of the reality. This serves to divert attention away from their own abusive or manipulative behavior, making it difficult to hold them accountable. In essence, they twist narratives to paint themselves as the mistreated or misunderstood hero, thereby eliciting sympathy and making it harder for you to challenge or confront them.
So here’s where it gets unbelievable. We landed in the middle of the night, and I’m schlepping my luggage, his luggage, her toys and backpack, and a sleeping little girl, only to go out to the parking lot to realize—my car wasn’t there. I put everything down, and searched for my keys and found nothing. And then it dawned on me— He’d not only left me to deal with his luggage, he’d taken my keys from my purse before he even left. Upon his arrival, he took my car with the child seat, and drove himself home. I was furious, yes. Furious.
But I was tired and called for a taxi. And over the next few days, his explanation was that he knew he’d be tired when he arrived, so what was he supposed to do? He was the one who was left out of the vacation. I’d been thoughtless to not provide him a way home. Was I really that callous that I’d want him to wait at the airport until the middle of the night? Always the victim, always using my empathy as a weapon, always making me feel crazy, insignificant, and selfish.
so to recap…
four tactics of a covert narcissist:
gaslighting
stonewalling
toxic guilt
playing the victim
What I’d Do Now to Protect Myself and My Daughter
Once you know better, you do better. So what would I do now? I wouldn’t enable his dependency by booking him a separate trip or by paying for the trip. That’s the first line of protection. I definitely would not touch his luggage. He was a grown man and it was my job to sherpa his stuff. And then once I realized he’d taken the keys and car, I’d now take a taxi to a hotel. I would not go home again. Because now I clearly see the manipulation and that would empower me to protect myself and my daughter against this type of abuse.
To hear more about my personal story and how I finally put an end to the abuse, read this next: Empowered: Life After Covert Narcissism, My Story