Imagine this: it’s 1:00 am and your neighbor’s dog is outside barking. It goes on and on. You call your neighbor and ask them to bring the dog inside. Your neighbor says, “I’m so sorry.” You go back to sleep.
Three weeks later, it’s 2:30 in the morning, the dog is outside barking. You call your neighbor. Your neighbor says, “I’m so sorry… it won’t happen again.” You go back to sleep.
Two nights later, it’s 11:45 pm and the dog starts barking. And you get up and bang on their door. And they say… yah, you guessed it: “I’m so sorry, it won’t happen again.”
What do you do in this situation? And how do you feel about that neighbor’s apology?
I wanted to understand this, because I found myself in this exact situation and it turns out there is something really weird going on here with these two little words: “I’m sorry.” And they actually reveal a bigger problem about how we relate to each other, and how often manipulation hides behind social politeness.
What Is a Genuine Apology?
Before we dig into the problem with apologies, let's define what an apology is supposed to be. An apology is generally an expression of remorse or regret for wrongdoing. It's supposed to signify accountability and responsibility in order to repair a relationship.
The 3 R’s of an Apology
These 3 R’s: remorse, responsibility, and repair—are the key points here.
Here’s what’s so confusing about this: My neighbors were really nice people. Yet no matter how nice they were, or how many times they apologized, they kept leaving the door open at night.
Why Apologies Are Problematic: Reason 1
This brings us to the first reason why apologies can be problematic: they are often used as a currency to merely give the appearance of wanting to repair the relationship, without doing the actual work. True apologies should involve all the 3 R's: remorse, responsibility, and repair. In my neighbor's case, for instance, there was an appearance of remorse but no responsibility to keep the dog quiet and certainly no actual repair to our disrupted sleep. It's like saying “I'm sorry” has become a social shortcut, a quick way to mimic the 3 R's without actually taking meaningful action. In situations like this, apologies can serve as a 'get-out-of-jail-free' card. The focus is not on true accountability but rather on appearing accountable.
Okay, here’s another scenario. A few weeks ago after work, I was heading to a party. I’d put in a long day, but I was looking forward to seeing friends. Before I left, I put on a pretty dress, put on makeup, jewelry, and redid my hair. Before I left, I took a look in the mirror, and felt pretty good about myself. At the party, one of the ladies came up to me with all sorts of pity on her face and said, “Are you doing okay? You look really tired.”
I’m usually pretty resilient, but I was shocked that she said that, and then felt foolish for having tried so hard to try to look pretty that night … my eyes welled up in tears and I walked away hurt and stunned.
A week later, she texted me, wanting to borrow something of mine. I wrote back, “I got my feelings hurt at the party last week and ended up in tears on the way home. I don’t think any woman wants to be told she looks tired, it’s just not necessary or kind.”
Her response? “I’m sorry that you took my comment in a negative way.”
Why Apologies Are Problematic: Reason 2
This brings me to the next reason why apologies are BS: This kind of apology is what we call a 'non-apology.' And it lacks the necessary elements of an apology: remorse, responsibility, and repair. It has those two sneaky words “I’m sorry” but this isn’t actually coming from remorse, it's coming from anger about their behavior being noticed. It’s manipulative—a way to seem like they're making amends without actually taking responsibility. By doing this, they fail to repair the relationship. When you hear phrases like “I'm sorry you feel that way,” or “I'm sorry you took it that way,” this is a red flag signaling aggression, not compassion.
When I look at both of these scenarios: my neighbor's multiple apologies about the barking dog and the friend’s non-apology—there’s definitely something strange going on here, and it comes down to one simple idea: they lied. To put it bluntly, they weren’t sorry about their behavior. They were just sorry that I noticed.
Why Apologies Are Problematic: Reason 3
And this is the main reason I think apologies are BS—because when you’re an empathetic, compassionate, and caring person like me and you—we fall for this too often. We project empathy on others, we imagine that they are kinder and more considerate than they are. We think, “No one would want to wake someone up in the middle of the night.” We think, “I’m sure she didn’t really want to hurt my feelings.” And we make excuses for this type of treatment, justify it, and minimize it.
And believe me, the first thing I want to do in any situation where I’ve wronged someone is to say, “I’m sorry.” It’s a knee-jerk reaction to diffuse the situation, it’s a way to off-gas the tension when something has gone wrong. However, when apologies are used as a way to deflect responsibility, to avoid intimacy with a veneer of politeness, and to damage a relationship rather than repair it… then there’s a darker truth you need to consider. Sometimes, people just aren’t actually sorry.
So where does that leave us? Well, this is what I want you to consider. Let’s go back to the barking dog. But this time imagine calling your neighbor, and she says nothing and just hangs up on you. And then the next time. And then the next. Would you see the issue differently if someone doesn’t go at least pretend politeness? And would that lead you to a different outcome?
For me, it definitely would because the actions and the words would be congruent, and therefore I’d take action based on a different understanding of my relationship with that neighbor.
And what if, after I explained that I got my feelings hurt, the lady texted back, “Well, that’s your fault.”
Would that change the situation? And would it lead to a different outcome? If so, I want you to really think about how often you let people off the hook because they say those two little magical words, “I’m sorry.”
I also want you to think about what you would do if you couldn’t say those words to someone? If your dog woke someone up in the middle of the night, and you couldn’t apologize, what would you do instead? If your friend got her feelings hurt, and you didn’t let yourself say those magic “I’m sorry” words, how would you make amends?
If you’re like me, you’d be really uncomfortable. You might feel anxious, ashamed, or sad. The point is, that when you don’t engage in knee-jerk apologies, you feel the weight of the emotional burden and this will compel you to deal with the issue at hand. I’m guessing you’d change your behavior, you’d take action, and you’d do whatever was necessary to repair the relationship. And that’s exactly what you should do. Because the truth of the apology is always in the behavior, not the words.
Ask Yourself These Questions
So the next time you hear those magic words, “I'm sorry,” ask yourself:
ARE THESE JUST WORDS, OR ARE THEY BACKED UP BY ACTIONS?
IS THIS A FORM OF EMOTIONAL MANIPULATION OR IS IT GENUINE REGRET?
A lot of this is going to come down to how skilled you are at discerning the difference between real and fake emotion. For 3 quick tricks to help you tell the difference, watch this next Real vs. Fake Emotions: Don't Be Fooled.