What would you do if someone you love was trapped in an unhappy dysfunctional relationship? And what if, despite all the red flags, they just couldn’t bring themselves to walk away? Would you label it as codependency? Trauma bond? Or would you even know the difference?
I’ve spent a few decades coaching women on every aspect of their relationships. It turns out that the distinction between codependency and trauma bonding is a lot trickier, and a lot more important, than you might think. And I have to admit, I had this really wrong for a long time for a glaringly obvious reason that I want to share with you so that you can avoid making the same mistake. Because this won't just transform how you view your own relationship; it could also be the key to protecting those you love.
Why You Might Think You’re Codependent
In 1992, my mom gave me a copy of Melody Beattie’s book, Codependent No More for Christmas. I read it in one night, and immediately saw myself in the 'caretaker' roles Beattie described, constantly prioritizing others' needs over my own and not really having a solid sense of who I was. And I was also enamored with the book’s idea of detachment. If I could be less attached, and stop caretaking, I thought maybe I’d finally stop feeling so worried and overwhelmed. It felt like I’d finally found an answer to my personal struggles.
I carried the codependent label into work, into dating, and finally into marriage. When my husband would come home late and refuse to explain where he was, I chalked my worry and anxiety up to just being codependent. When he would make fun of me for cooking a casserole for dinner, saying “Who do you think you are? Betty Crocker?” I blamed my loneliness and hurt feelings on being codependent. When I started coping with my sense of creeping despair by shopping, drinking, and seeking attention outside my marriage, I figured, once again… this must be my codependency. I basically thought that any time I wanted connection, care, attention, or even companionship this was due to being fundamentally broken, thinking that codependency—my internal flaw—was the cause of my suffering.
What is codependency?
Before I explain the glaring problem, let’s talk about codependency. Codependency isn’t a clinical term or an official diagnosis. The term was originally used to describe the partner of an alcoholic or an addict. In this partnership, one was dependent on the substance, and the other—the codependent—enabled that dependency.
“Codependency is the condition of not having a clear sense of self, and instead making someone else the center of your thoughts, emotions, and behavior. ”
The definition that I use for codependency is the condition of not having a clear sense of self, and instead making someone else the center of your thoughts, emotions, and behavior. It means that the axis of who you are isn’t really running through the middle of you, it’s running through the middle of someone else and you’re orbiting around them.
The Science Behind Codependency and Trauma Bonds
So let's get a bit scientific for a moment. Codependency and trauma bonding have some biological things in common. They both cause 'feel-good' chemicals like dopamine—a reward system that keeps you coming back for more. They both cause your body to pump out the stress hormone cortisol, which overtime affects your health.
Both trauma bonds and codependent relationships have what's called a 'negative reinforcement loop'. In simple terms, you find some relief or even feel better about yourself when you're the 'responsible' one or the caretaker. It's a cycle that's tough to break. What this all boils down to is that our bodies are kinda set up in a way that can lock us into these unhealthy relationships, whether they're trauma bonds or codependent situations.
The Similarities Between Codependency and Trauma Bonds
So, does that mean that codependency is the same thing as a trauma bond? There are a lot of overlapping factors here: the lack of solid self, low self-esteem, chronic stress, lack of boundaries, and similar biological processes.
But there’s something really important that I failed to recognize and it actually goes all the way back to that Christmas in 1992.
My mother—a physically and emotionally abusive narcissist—gave me that book. She handed me a book that basically told me that if I was unhappy: the problem was me. And I believed it because I desperately wanted to believe that I could change things.
The Major Difference Between Codependency and Trauma Bonds
And this leads me to the key difference between codependency and a trauma bond, and that is one word: abuse.
And this is why it’s so important to understand, because often the victim of a trauma bond doesn’t even know they are being abused—especially within a narcissistically abusive relationship. In this situation, a lot of people don’t recognize that something is wrong, or that narcissistic abuse is even a thing that’s happening. They don’t know that narcissism doesn't change, they don’t know it’s not their fault, and most assume that they are the problem.
I was one of those people. And blaming my pain on codependency actually kept me stuck in an abusive relationship for years.
Now, this doesn't mean that I don’t have the tendency towards codependency—I definitely do. But, the most specific difference is that codependency doesn’t necessarily involve abuse. Where in trauma bonding, the relationship is actually held together by the cycle of abuse.
This is important because if you’re in a relationship, especially where there’s narcissistic abuse happening, and you’re like most people—you won’t recognize it. And over time you become more and more bonded through the cycle of abuse: emotional harm, followed by apology, affection, or kindness. This intermittent reinforcement creates a strong emotional bond that is very difficult to break. When you’re in this cycle, you may even defend or cover up for the abuser, all while not even realizing what you’re doing.
What You Need to Know
So what’s the takeaway? While there are many common factors, the key difference lies in the presence of abuse. The problem is that in these situations, the abuse is unrecognized by the victim. It’s not always a clear-cut distinction. In reality, you might be dealing with elements of both.
My advice? Rather than trying to label one way or another, I’d say to consider both possibilities.
Notice if you have resistance to calling this one way or another—the resistance might be a sign of an uncomfortable truth you’re unconsciously avoiding.
And the most vital advice I can offer is for you to educate yourself about what narcissistic abuse looks like, especially with covert narcissists because they are so difficult to spot. To learn more about that, read this next...Don't Be Fooled: Covert Narcissism.