How would you feel if you got a text right now that simply says, “R u ok?” Would it warm your heart, would it trigger a sinking feeling of guilt, or would you feel annoyed? I wanted to get to the bottom of this, to see if my reaction is completely abnormal, or if I’m justified because there’s something more sinister going on here.
In the past month, I’ve gotten this type of text from two different people and in both cases my immediate response was irritation. And it made me wonder, have I always been annoyed by this? Is it okay to be annoyed by this? So I searched my history and what I found is both embarrassing and enlightening and tells you everything you need to know about how to handle this type of text.
Why Some “Friendships” Feel Bad
First, let’s go back in time to the days before texting, to a story about my neighbor Margie. She was brand new to town and I wanted to be friendly and welcome her to the neighborhood. Her son was about the same age as my daughter, so I invited them over for a small playdate in the backyard. The next day there was a knock on my door, Margie wanted to see about getting the kids together. The following day, same thing. And then the next, same thing. Then, after school drop off, she showed up with a cup of coffee, just wanting to chat.
As the days went by, I found myself doing mental gymnastics to justify Margie's constant visits. “She's new, she's just being friendly,” I'd tell myself, ignoring the uneasy feeling that started to settle in.
Warning Sign #1: There’s an Agenda
And that's where I missed the first crucial warning sign—the intention behind her visits. Was she reaching out for my benefit, or hers? Of course the visits and the coffee were couched as just being friendly, same as these recent “R u ok?” texts. But I didn’t even stop to really look at what was going on. Instead I just felt guilty and obligated and wanted to avoid an awkward conversation.
Before we get into how weird this all got, I first want to say I am not proud of how I handled this, nor I am not condoning my behavior. I am completely aware that this might sound like Grade A Mean Girl tactics, however, when you’re an empathetic, conflict avoidant, people pleaser—like me—these are the types of problems you end up having. And it’s not because you’re mean, it’s actually because you’re trying so hard to NOT be mean.
So back to Margie… I worked from home and I felt like a sitting duck. I just wanted to hide. So, I stopped opening my curtains in the morning, I’d sprint to my car if I had to run an errand, and I stopped answering my front door. She’d knock and I’d just pretend I wasn’t home. But, it didn't stop there.
After a few weeks of going to comical, even extravagant lengths to dodge a neighbor, all because I didn't want to have an uncomfortable conversation, I had an idea: I’ll find my own sanctuary. So I proceeded to join a private beach club where I could finally relax and escape the ongoing Margie saga. I then proceeded to have a splendid week and a half, lounging in the sun, thinking that I’d finally figured out how to escape the guilt and dread, when—I kid you not—I hear Margie’s voice. “Hi neighbor!!!” as she placed her towels and beach bag on the lounge next to mine. “I heard you were a member of this club, so I just joined.”
Warning Sign #2: You Feel Uncomfortable
And this brings me to the next point: If an invitation to engage makes you feel uncomfortable, guilty, or burdened, that is a red flag. It’s a sign that the person wants something that you don’t want to give. For example emotional or mental resources you may not wish to spare, like time, attention, and effort.
Here I was, using a beach club membership to run away, when the issue was glaringly obvious. Even though I was terrible at enforcing my boundaries, Margie was equally terrible at honoring them. And that's a huge red flag. If someone is persistently trying to engage with you and it's making you uncomfortable to the point where you're considering extreme measures, that's your emotional warning system telling you that your boundaries are being crossed.
So, instead of confronting her, I ran away again. This time back home where I proceeded to comb through the real estate section thinking I should just move to a new house. These are the old days, you know, newspaper and red pen, and just as I’m circling a few options, I hear footsteps storming up my walkway, followed by incessant pounding on my front door. It's Margie, shouting, “I know you're in there!”
Warning Sign #3: Trying to Fast-Track Intimacy
That's when I finally had to face the music. My avoidance had escalated the problem to unsustainable levels. This was no longer about Margie; this was about me failing to understand a crucial concept: if you feel dread when you’re dealing with a text, or a Margie, it might be because that person isn’t your intimate friend, yet they behave as though they're entitled to that level of closeness. This mismatch can create unease, as it may feel like an invasion of your emotional space without proper boundaries.
All along, I had been allowing Margie to fast-track a friendship that I was not comfortable with. Now I know how important it is to take your time in friendships or any relationships for that matter. You have every right to decide the frequency, the depth, and even the style of intimacy you're willing to engage in. I also know that the more you dodge or avoid, the bigger the problem you create for yourself… which is exactly what happened with Margie.
So, back to Margie pounding on the door… I finally do what I should have done weeks before: I open the door. Margie—clearly hurt—asked why I had been so friendly at first, only to become so rude later. I took a deep breath and finally was honest with her. I explained that as a single mom running a business from home, I didn't have the time or emotional bandwidth for a new relationship. It was a very uncomfortable conversation to have, but one that was necessary. This was a huge learning lesson for me because when I was finally clear, Margie understood, and things changed.
So back to that text: “R u ok?”
If you find yourself uneasy or downright annoyed by a text like this, don't second-guess yourself. Trust your feelings. That's your internal alarm system telling you something is off. Don't ignore it; and don't hide under your covers, just act on it.
Questions to Clarify ‘Friendly’ Texts
Ask yourself these three critical questions:
Is this person reaching out for their benefit or mine?
Is this an invitation to engage that I actually want to accept?
Does this person presume a level of intimacy that hasn't been earned or agreed upon?
How to Respond
Remember, you don't owe anyone an explanation for why you can't engage. However, if you choose to respond, keep it simple and direct: A simple, “All good.” or “Yep” with a thumbs up. No guilt, no shame.
so to recap…
ask the three critical questions:
Is this person reaching out for their benefit or mine?
Is this an invitation to engage that I actually want to accept?
Does this person presume a level of intimacy that hasn't been earned or agreed upon?
Know you don’t owe anyone an explanation for why you can’t engage
If you choose to engage, keep it simple and direct: “All good” or “Yep”.
You're not a bad person for setting boundaries; in fact, you're taking control of your life. If anyone makes you feel guilty for that, question why they're in your circle to begin with. You have the right to protect your emotional space. Own that right. Do it without guilt. And if that makes you uncomfortable, you probably need to learn why you need to stop being nice, so read this next—People Pleasing & Narcissists: Why We Attract Them, How to Break Free & 3 Key Tools