Have you ever wondered why some people seem to have relationships that seem so effortless? Part of this comes down to the people involved and part comes down to the communication strategies they use. We all know that if you don’t pay attention to toxic habits, they could destroy your relationship. It doesn’t matter how much you love each other. Today, we’re focusing on communication mistakes we're often completely unaware of. So let’s get into my top 5 overlooked red flags.
5 Overlooked Red Flags In Relationships
Have you ever caught yourself shutting down or pulling away in a heated conversation, as a protective reflex? Or maybe you find yourself tiptoeing around uncomfortable topics, knowing that they are touchy subjects?
Mistake #5: The Consequences of Conflict Avoidance
This is the crux of the 5th most common mistake: avoiding conflict. This can look like withdrawal, where you pick up your phone and start scrolling instead of working through an uncomfortable conversation. It can look like pretending there’s nothing wrong. It can look like walking out of the room when things get too heated. It can look like avoiding certain subjects or stonewalling, where you shut down and refuse to continue working things through.
This strategy actually stems from an instinct to protect yourself or even to protect the relationship. It's a defense mechanism. When things get intense, avoiding conflict seems like the easiest way to keep the relationship intact.
We do this because we actually want to help our relationships, however this strategy really hurts us in the long run. When you avoid conflict, at best you end up in a pretend relationship where the other person doesn’t really know how you feel, how you think, what you care about, or what you really want. While you might be skirting conversations that put the relationship at risk, you ultimately set up a failing strategy where there's no real foundation to strengthen the relationship.
Believe me, I know this one all too well. I was with my ex husband for 17 years and used to see it as a point of pride that we almost never argued. In fact, when we went to the mediator during our divorce, she asked if we were sure we wanted to get a divorce because we seemed to get along so well. But the truth was that we were both just really good at avoiding conflict. He would just leave when things got uncomfortable. And I would just pretend things were fine. I was afraid to ask for what I wanted and needed because I didn’t want to seem needy. I didn’t want him to think I was a burden. So I played the part I thought I was supposed to play.
Why Fear and Shame Lead to Conflict Avoidance
Fear and shame were the driving factors here. I was afraid of difficult conversations. I was afraid of the vulnerability it would require on my part. I was ashamed of my own needs and desires. I was afraid that our relationship wouldn’t be able to endure the conflict.
Now does that mean that diving head first into conflict would have saved my relationship? No. The undeniable problems were there from the get go. Avoiding conflict just kept me stuck in an unhappy relationship for longer. However, there's a powerful silver lining to this realization. Recognizing our tendency to avoid conflict is the first step towards meaningful change. Here's how we can transform this instinct into a tool for strengthening our relationships:
How Conflict Can Actually Strengthen a Relationship
Conflict, when approached thoughtfully, can actually be a growth opportunity for a relationship. It allows both people to express their feelings and needs openly, paving the way for mutual understanding and respect. Instead of avoiding difficult conversations, we can learn to engage in them with honesty and empathy.
Start by acknowledging your fear or discomfort about the conflict. It’s okay to feel vulnerable. Instead of shutting down, communicate your need to process things. Say something like, “I'm feeling overwhelmed, can we discuss this after I've had a moment to think?”
In conflicts, aim for understanding rather than winning, which brings us to the 4th most common mistake: keeping score.
Mistake #4: The Long-Term Effects of Keeping Score in Relationships
This one is trickier than you might think, so let’s unpack this.
Keeping score can look like trying to make things fair. Keeping track of who’s doing what, and who’s contributing what. This can fall into a tit-for-tat pattern where you don’t do something because they didn’t do something. It can also turn into retaliation where you try to even the score through overt or covert punishment.
We do this as an attempt to create fairness and for self-protection. We might think, “If I keep track of what my partner does wrong, I can prevent myself from being treated unfairly.” It's a strategy we adopt, perhaps subconsciously, to protect ourselves from getting hurt or to ensure that our efforts and pains are acknowledged.
In my personal experience, this one is complicated. In my previous marriage, I couldn’t stop keeping score. I was always keeping track of how much he helped around the house, helped with childcare, helped financially. I was always keeping lists in my head about what I had done and how he hadn’t done as much. And I knew this was a miserable way to live, but I couldn’t stop myself from being resentful.
And here’s what I missed: it actually was unfair. He was taking advantage of me. He was using me. And this is where my conflict avoidance (Mistake #5) kept me in a perpetual cycle of resentment. So instead of asking for help or speaking about the unfair distribution of responsibility, I avoided the subject and silently seethed. This is a recipe for failure.
Now, here’s why this is a complicated subject and not really black and white for me. I had always thought that this keeping-score thing was a “me” problem. I’d thought it was a problem with my thinking, it was a problem of focusing on the negative. I’d thought it was just how I was built.
But, once I met my current husband, I realized I never kept score. It just didn’t even cross my mind. I didn’t feel resentful. I don’t feel like things are unfair. I don’t make lists of what he’s doing and what I’m doing. I’m not keeping track of the way we divvy-up responsibilities. And I don’t think this change is because of some sort of emotional enlightenment that I’ve arrived at. I actually think it’s because I am truly supported and cared for. He’s not using me, he’s not a narcissist, and he’s not trying to exploit me.
Being in the coaching and personal development space for the past twenty years, I’ve found that there’s a weird way we actually use positive thinking to perpetuate abuse. In my case, I took it upon myself to change what I thought was a negative thinking pattern. Basically thinking that if I could just change myself, then this pain would stop. It’s a type of spiritual bypass where you think you can just choose better thoughts and arrive at a better outcome.
But, when you’re being abused, exploited, or used… you absolutely must address it. Which brings us to how to improve this issue of keeping score.
How to Stop Keeping Score in Relationships
It starts with self-awareness. Begin by acknowledging when you're keeping score. Are you constantly tallying up contributions or faults?
Next, comes the reality check. You have to be really honest with yourself—are things truly unfair or are you just in a mental habit of thinking that you shouldn’t have to do x, y, or z? If things are truly unfair, ask yourself why you are tolerating the unfairness? If this seems like a mental habit, ask yourself what you need to specifically address in your relationship to help alleviate the pattern.
Speaking of patterns, let’s talk about mistake number three: and unhealthy expression of emotions.
Mistake #3: How Unhealthy Expression of Emotions Hinders Relationships
Have you ever wondered why communicating our emotions in relationships can be so challenging? We often swing between two extremes: explosive emotional outbursts and being emotionally stoic or unavailable. Why do these patterns emerge, and how do they affect our connections?
On one end, there’s the tendency to explode or throw tantrums. This might look like rage, unbridled envy, shouting, or hysterical crying. On the other end, there’s being stoic, emotionally unavailable, or out of touch with our feelings. This might look like numbing out, blanking out, zoning out. It might look like cracking a beer or pouring a glass of wine, it might even appear to be more peaceful, or more civilized—but don’t be fooled. Both ends of this spectrum can create significant barriers in our relationships.
Emotional outbursts, like anger or frustration, can be overwhelming and damaging, leading to hurtful words and actions. Spewing your emotions all over someone is a way to off-gas your discomfort at their expense. It’s not a healthy or useful strategy. On the flip side, being emotionally stoic or unavailable may seem like a way to maintain control or protect oneself from vulnerability, but it often leaves our partners feeling isolated and disconnected. Even worse, being disconnected from your own emotions cuts you off from crucial feedback and inner guidance.
Causes of Unhealthy Emotional Expression
These reactions often stem from how we've learned to handle emotions in our past—whether that's in our family of origin, past relationships, or even societal influences. Emotional outbursts can be a learned response to feeling unheard or powerless, while emotional stoicism can be a defense mechanism against vulnerability or hurt. These are two ends of the same dysfunction: being unwilling or unable to handle your own emotions.
I grew up in a household with explosive rage and fury. My mom would fly into hysterics, throw tantrums, scream, and cry. My dad would break things, slam doors, and scare me. Growing up in a household like that, I vowed to always keep cool, calm, and collected. And while this might seem like a great strategy, what I was actually doing was just dissociating and distancing myself from my emotions. Instead of being aware of anger, fear, or sadness… I’d just slip out the backdoor of my mind until I felt comfortably far away from the problem. Emotions are meant to be a feedback system for clear inner guidance. Being cut off from my anger, I wasn’t able to recognize boundary violations. Being dissociated from fear, I wasn’t able to register when I was in danger. And being distanced from sadness, I wasn’t able to grasp how lonely and heartbroken I felt in my last relationship.
If you struggle with this, I have a self-guided course called The Four Voices that goes deeper into this subject helping you understand your emotions, how they work, and how to use them for inner guidance.
Mistake # 2: Needing to Be Right Is a Losing Game
Before we get to the #1 relationship mistake that everyone makes without realizing how detrimental it is. Let’s talk about a mistake that you might not even know you’re making. This one was a big one for me, and I honestly thought I never did this. And boy was I wrong.
Mistake #2 is the need to be right. Now before you blow this off and skip this, hear me out because this is way more common than you think.
Have you ever caught yourself in a conversation insisting on correcting the facts or steering it towards 'accuracy'? This is a classic sign of the subtle yet pervasive trap of needing to be right.
You might do this more than you think: It’s not always about winning a big argument.
Sometimes, it's the small moments where you insist on factual accuracy or a 'correct' version of events, information, or details. For example, your husband might say, "We got there at 5:00," and you gently correct him with, "No, we got there at 5:15."
Or it might come up as a way to curtail an exaggeration, you might say something like, “Well she wasn’t furious, she was just annoyed.”
Or you might find yourself trying to review specific dialogue points. Something like, “That’s not what I said, what I said was …”
Sometimes, it’s a longer and larger process where you might believe that if you can just get them to agree on the facts, or if you can just get them to understand what actually happened, or if you could just explain what you really meant, then you could finally come to an agreement.
Sound familiar? Yah, me too.
All of this falls into the ugly category of needing to be right. And it is an intimacy killer. It turns a discussion into a battle to be won, rather than an opportunity for mutual understanding. This approach often stems from a desire for validation or a fear of vulnerability.
I find this a lot with my clients who are recovering, or are still involved in narcissistic relationships. And this was me as well. I think after years of being gaslit, I was desperate for truth, for understanding, for someone to hear what I said and believe me. It wasn’t so much about competition for me, but more about trusting myself and having someone else trust me as well.
But regardless of the intention, insisting on being right is a losing strategy in relationships. It creates a dynamic where one person's perspective dominates, leaving the other feeling unheard, invalidated, and sometimes even gaslit. The focus shifts from understanding and empathizing with each other to proving a point, which erodes the foundation of trust and mutual respect necessary for a healthy relationship.
To start working on this, be aware of when your need to be right surfaces. Is it during certain topics or situations? Understanding your triggers is crucial.
Value empathy over accuracy. Shift your focus from winning the argument to understanding your partner’s perspective. Show empathy and validate their feelings, even if you disagree on the facts.
Let go of control. Accept that you don’t always need to control the narrative. Embrace the idea that different perspectives can coexist without one being 'right' or 'wrong.'
Choose the relationship over the facts. If you want to build intimacy, trust, and connection, you must prioritize the relationship over the facts. Instead of focusing on the factual accuracy of a conversation, try to understand the feelings and perspectives of the other person.
Mistake #1: The Impact of Complaining in Relationships
So, now onto the #1 most commonly overlooked relationship mistake, something we’ve probably all been guilty of at some point: complaining.
We all know what complaining sounds like, but in the context of relationships we need to pay close attention to complaints that are veiled attempts to get the other person to change, to get them to do something, or to get them to take responsibility for something.
This can sound as simple as, “It’s freezing in here.” Where instead of asking for the thermostat to be turned up, or having a conversation about what’s comfortable for both of you, you passively complain and hope to have your needs met. Or it can sound like, “There’s never anything in the fridge.” Where instead of asking for help with groceries, you grumble and place ambiguous blame. It can sound like, “I’m so exhausted,” where instead of having a difficult conversation about getting more support with the kids, you make cryptic remarks that aren’t helpful.
Complaining is basically a negative expression of dissatisfaction or frustration, without offering a solution or a path forward. It's a passive approach, where we might hope our partner picks up on our hints or magically understands our needs. Many of us resort to complaining because it feels safer than directly asking for what we need. There's a vulnerability in making a request or expressing a need directly. It’s also really scary. Asking for what you want and need—whether we’re talking about chores around the house, finances, or sex—it’s vulnerable. If you actually ask for what you want, you run the risk of being rejected or even worse: ignored.
And this is actually the positive intention behind complaining… it’s a bizarre attempt to get what we want without having to take risks in the relationship. Without having to risk finding out the truth about the foundation of your relationship. If you can just complain and magically get what you want, you don’t ever have to find out if the person is truly supportive, kind, or generous. You don’t have to know if they share your values. You don’t have to be rejected, hurt, or ignored.
Just this past year, I found myself doing this. I’d complain about the weather. I’d complain about the fog. I’d complain about the isolation of living so far out in the country. I was doing that for months before I finally heard myself. And I was like, “Meadow… what the heck are you doing?” I know better. I teach this… and yet, I still fell into this trap.
The problem with this habit, beyond the fact that it’s super annoying, is that complaining never actually addresses the problem.
How to Get Your Needs Met Without Complaining
So, first you have to figure out what the problem is. Then you turn the complaint into a request where you ask for support, help, or change directly. And that’s pretty hard. This recent one took me a few months, even though I kind of heard that voice in my head say right away the problem was. It was too big, too scary, too risky. I was like, no… that can’t be it. But after a few months, I just kept coming back to the same sentence over and over. And that meant I needed to have a very difficult conversation. I had to be very honest with my emotions. I had to expose my vulnerabilities and put my relationship at risk to ask for what I needed and wanted. And even though I know my husband loves and supports me, asking for help, or support is always scary for me.
So, here’s some ideas to help you practice a better strategy. First we’ve got to spot the pattern: Be aware when you're complaining versus making a clear request. Then practice stating your needs and requests clearly and respectfully. Use phrases like, “I would really appreciate your help with...” Make sure to focus on solutions. Instead of just highlighting the problem, suggest possible solutions or alternatives.
So to recap…
The 5 relationship mistakes nobody ever taught you are:
complaining
needing to be right
unhealthy expression of emotions
keeping score
avoiding conflict
Understanding these relationship mistakes is a crucial first step in creating harmony in your relationship. But let’s face it, there are situations where no matter what you do, or what you try, you have to face a hard truth: the relationship just isn’t working. Which brings you to a really difficult question: how do you know when a relationship is over?
Click to read—How to Know if Your Relationship Is Over where you’ll learn my 3-step process showing you what you need to do, and what you need to know, to help you decide whether you should stay or go.