Have you ever known someone where you felt like no matter what you do, or what you say, you can never do enough, give enough, or be enough for her? Have you left those interactions feeling guilty or exhausted, burdened by the weight of being her emotional support?
If you struggle with anxiety, low self-esteem, self-doubt, or find yourself trapped in codependent relationships or friendships, this information is crucial for your personal growth. You may be dealing with a female covert narcissist.
For the past twenty years, I’ve dedicated my life to researching the complexities of self-worth and uncovering the hidden aspects of narcissistic abuse. I’m not only a coach, author, and teacher in this field, but I’m also a survivor myself. Today, I’ll share 5 key signs of a female covert narcissist and personal stories from my own experience to help you identify them.
Trap 1: How Covert Female Narcissists Manipulate Through Emotional Control
The first key sign is their distinct way of manipulating through emotional control. Unlike overt manipulation, what you’ll often encounter is a more subtle form: passive-aggressive behavior, fabricated conflicts, and an unrelenting pressure to prove your worth. This is a cycle that exhausts and diminishes, turning your efforts into a never-ending quest for approval and acceptance.
They have a distinct way of manipulating by using emotional control. You’re probably not going to see overt manipulation, instead, you’ll experience passive aggressive behavior where you feel punished and you don’t know why. You’ll be the target of fabricated conflicts where you did nothing wrong, but all of a sudden you find yourself in trouble and you feel the need to apologize or work harder to stay in their good graces. Female covert narcissists are masters at making you feel like you need to prove your worth, putting you into an endless cycle of feeling like you have to perform, serve, achieve, and give to earn their love.
In my experience, the tell-tale sign of being tangled with a covert narcissist is a deep personal sense of not feeling worthy. In my books, I define “worthy” as the quality of deserving time, attention, and energy. When you’re wrapped up in a relationship with a covert narcissist you end up feeling the opposite. You end up feeling like you don’t deserve time, attention or energy. And you end up giving more effort, more service, more money, more kindness, hoping to feel worthy. And covert narcissists LOVE this and they want to keep you trapped in this cycle.
The key to coping with this form of manipulation is to find ways to reinforce a separate sense of self or a separate identity that is independent of the narcissist’s validation. Practice saying, “no” to demands that drain your resources or violate your values. Remind yourself that your worth does not depend on someone else’s approval or recognition.
Worthiness is the core of most of my work and the topic of both of my best-selling books The Worthy Project and The Worthy Mind. Both are available for free on Audible!
Trap 2: Covert Female Narcissists’ Disregard of Boundaries and Need For Control
Now, onto the second key sign of a female covert narcissist: the issue of boundaries and control. This aspect takes us deeper into how she will subtly infiltrate and dominate various aspects of your life.
With a female covert narcissist, you might miss this sign because when you’re naturally empathetic like you and me, we are often way too willing to give up pieces of ourselves to make someone else happy. A covert narcissist will disregard your boundaries and try to elicit pity or guilt trip you into giving them what they want. When you say no, they won’t listen. If you say you’re not available, they’ll insinuate that you’re being selfish. They’ll apply double standards where they are allowed to have privacy, they are allowed to not be available, they are allowed to say no. But you? You will always feel subtly punished, devalued, or demoted for trying to have any square inch to yourself.
The female covert narcissist wants to control every aspect of your life and decisions. She won’t come out and just say it, no. She’ll disguise it as care, concern, worry. She’ll say, “I just worry about you.” And you’ll feel that pit in your stomach, like you’re stuck and there’s no way out.
The way I experienced this with my mom was that I felt consumed with guilt and burdened with a false sense of responsibility for her. I felt like her feelings, her mental health, her money issues, her tantrums were my problem. That if I’d done something that she didn’t like, that I was directly causing her to suffer. I was terrified of letting her down, of disappointing her… and not because I valued her opinion. I was afraid of the emotional punishment I’d have to endure if I didn’t do what she wanted. I didn’t see it for what it was: my mother trying to control and dominate me. Instead, I thought it was a “me” problem, where I constantly tried to measure up so that I wouldn’t be penalized.
The key to dealing with this type of control is to firmly establish and assert your boundaries. Boundaries are simply clear communication of what works for you (and what doesn’t). It’s crucial to recognize that your rights and needs are just as important as anyone else’s. Communicate clearly and consistently, regardless of the other person’s reaction. It’s not about being confrontational; it’s about being assertive and respectful of your own needs.
If you find it challenging, start small. Practice in relationships that feel less intimidating, and gradually work your way up to more difficult relationships. Boundaries are hard and uncomfortable, especially when you’re new at them… but with practice and time, the investment becomes empowering.
Trap 3: Covert Female Narcissists Emotional Impact and Erosion of Your Self-Worth
Moving on to the third key sign: emotional impact and erosion of self-worth. This sign is about the subtle ways a covert narcissist can compare you to others and diminish your efforts, often leading to a profound impact on your self-esteem.
This aspect is particularly insidious because it targets the very core of your identity—your sense of self-worth. A female covert narcissist often employs tactics like unfair comparisons and subtle devaluations. They are smart about how they do this… it’s not going to be all the time. They’ll take a dig at you just when you’re feeling a bit insecure, or just when you’re looking for some support. Or on the flip side, in one of those chance moments where you’re feeling pretty good about yourself, they’ll jab you with an unexpected insult just to keep you off balance. You might find yourself constantly being compared to others, or your efforts and achievements might be consistently belittled or overlooked. This continuous undermining can lead to a significant erosion of your self-esteem.
I remember years ago, telling my friend about starting my coaching business and how excited I was to be working with such interesting people. I was enthusiastic and proud of myself. I’d just been on Oprah and I was over-the-moon about my career. She said with a laugh, “I can’t even imagine why anyone would hire you, look at your life.” I just stood there stunned. My optimism immediately vanished.
Before her comment, I’d been thinking of myself as a strong single mom, with a thriving career, and an opportunity to work with amazing people. After her comment, I felt like I wasn’t smart enough, successful enough, married enough, or rich enough and that I was making a fool of myself.
The problem with these stingers is that they embed themselves into your mind. That “look at your life” comment happened in 2008, and that so-called friend has been out of my life for over a decade and her words still replay in my head anytime I feel insecure about my work.
Coping with this requires you to do the work to build your self-worth. You build self-worth by investing in yourself: by giving time, attention, and energy to what you love, what you desire, and what you need. It means that you do your best to silence old voices, old criticisms, and hurtful memories so that you can live the life you deserve. Start by doing small things that make you feel proud of yourself. Give yourself a pat on the back or a high five in the mirror and celebrate your own achievements, no matter how small they may seem. Acknowledge your efforts and be kind to yourself. Remember, the hurtful words and comparisons from a narcissist are reflections of their issues, not yours. They do not define your worth. You do.
Trap 4: How Female Covert Narcissists Combat Communication With Defensiveness
Moving on to our fourth key sign: communication and defensiveness. This is where the covert narcissist’s tactics become especially evident in how they handle conversations and conflicts.
In interactions with a female covert narcissist, you might notice that they often dismiss, minimize, or completely shut down your attempts at communication. But they won’t do this all the time and this can be confusing.
What you’ll see sometimes is something called “hoovering” where they seem to be genuinely interested in you, they ask you a bunch of questions, and you might feel like they really care. When you’re in the trap of hoovering, the conversation is one-sided where you are doing most of the talking. You might share vulnerable information about yourself, or you might share something personal, but then you walk away from the conversation realizing that the other person hasn’t shared anything about themselves. It’s called hoovering because, just like a vacuum cleaner, the narcissist is sucking information out of you. While in the moment, this might feel like intimacy or connection, later they use this information against you to target your vulnerabilities. If you don’t see this for what it is, it might feel like they are Jekyll and Hyde.
The flip of hoovering happens when they don’t think that the information is going to be useful for them. And this is when you see them be dismissive. They’ll cut you off, interrupt you, or completely ignore you.
Now if you have a criticism, or something that you want to discuss about their behavior, or if you want to talk about a way that they’ve hurt you… they instantly become wounded victims. They will deflect the criticism, and turn the conversation on you. They’ll make it seem like you’re the one hurting them. That you’re the one in the wrong. No matter how the conversation begins, it ends with them playing the victim and you being the perpetrator.
I remember emailing an editor to revise a cut that she made on one of my podcast posts. She had edited out a key piece of information and wanted the full explanation to be in the audio. I thought it would be a simple request but a few seconds after sending the email my phone immediately started buzzing. Several texts came in accusing me of being rude, cruel, insensitive. Then she called me sobbing, telling me that I can’t tell her things like that. That she’s sensitive. That she can’t handle it if I’m unhappy. It was totally bizarre and reactionary. When you see this type of tantrum, or victimhood, especially when they are creating drama out of something small… this might be a sign of covert narcissism.
The best way to handle this type of communication is to stay calm and focused. Be careful about oversharing and stay on the lookout for hoovers. When you’re aware that a conversation is going off track, try to bring it back to the issue at hand without getting caught up in their defensiveness. Remember, you have a right to express your feelings and concerns. If the conversation becomes too heated or unproductive, it’s okay to step back and revisit it later.
Trap 5: No-Win Situations and Constant Monitoring of Covert Female Narcissists
Our final key sign: no-win situations and constant monitoring. This sign is particularly challenging because it places you in scenarios where, regardless of your actions, the outcome is never in your favor.
In a no-win situation created by a covert narcissist, you’ll find that your actions are constantly scrutinized and criticized. It feels like you’re walking on eggshells, where every choice you make is wrong in their eyes. These scenarios are designed to keep you off balance and in a state of constant self-doubt.
What you’ll see is something like your friend asking you for your opinion. You carefully offer your honest thoughts, and try to be supportive. And then your friend criticizes you for being too opinionated and not supportive of her choices and you end up feeling terrible. So you decide to be more agreeable next time. But when you simply agree with her in the next situation, she accuses you of not caring enough about her problems. No matter what you do, she makes it so you’re in the wrong, leaving you no way to win.
Alongside this, there’s the aspect of constant monitoring. A covert narcissist wants to know and control everything you do. This could manifest as incessant questioning about your whereabouts, your activities, or even your thoughts. It’s a form of surveillance that invades your privacy and autonomy, leaving you feeling trapped and suffocated.
I experienced this years ago on a road trip from coast to coast. I was with a few friends, having a blast, when out of the blue I got a Facebook message that gave me that instant gut punch, that feeling like I was doing something wrong, or like I was in trouble. This was a supposed friend asking me who I was with and why I didn’t invite her. And I wasn’t feeling that angsty knot in my stomach because I felt like I hurt her feelings. No. It was because I broke the rules and I knew it. I was supposed to tell her where I was. I was supposed to tell her who I was going to be with. I wasn’t supposed to have fun that didn’t include her. I wasn’t supposed to have my own life. I knew this without her ever actually having to say it.
Dealing with no-win situations and constant monitoring requires a delicate balance of assertiveness and self-care. It’s important to recognize these scenarios for what they are: traps designed to undermine your sense of self. When you find yourself in such a situation, try to step back and view it objectively. Ask yourself if there’s a genuine issue or if it’s a manipulation tactic.
In terms of constant monitoring, setting clear boundaries is crucial. You have the right to your privacy and autonomy. Communicate your boundaries firmly and consistently. If the narcissist crosses these boundaries, reinforce them calmly but assertively. Remember, you’re not responsible for their reactions; you’re only responsible for maintaining your own well-being.
so to recap…
the five signs of a female covert narcissist:
manipulation through emotional control
issues with boundaries and a need for control
emotional impact and erosion of self-worth
meeting communication with defensiveness
creating no-win situations and constant monitoring
Understanding these signs is a crucial first step in reclaiming your power and autonomy in relationships with covert narcissists. But it’s just the beginning. To fully protect yourself and not fall into their traps, we need to dive deeper into the narcissist’s playbook.
Click to learn the—5 Ways Narcissists Insult You & What They're Really After. Learn to recognize these specific insults and understand the motives behind them, so you can quickly flip the power dynamics, take back control of your life, and safeguard your self-worth.