There are 5 ways that a narcissist will insult you… but not for the reasons you might think.
Why do these secret weapons work so effectively and what is the actual motive behind their tactics? There's a hidden agenda behind these words. But the real question is: can you spot it?
I've dedicated over two decades to unraveling the complexities of self-worth and narcissistic abuse. I'm not just speaking as a coach, author, and teacher; I've also lived it.
Imagine you’ve been working hard on a project for months, putting in long hours and sacrificing weekends. When you finally share it with your friends, one of them comments, "Wow, that's really nice for someone with your limited experience." You feel a pang of doubt. Was the project not as good as you thought?
On the surface, it sounds like they're acknowledging your effort. But there's that twist of the knife, the hidden barb that introduces doubt and diminishes your achievement. If you’re an empathetic person, you might try to dissect the comment. You might wonder, Am I just overreacting?
Tactic #1: Backhanded Compliments
But here's the rub: these comments aren't just off-the-cuff remarks and they aren’t accidental. They are meticulously crafted to destabilize you, to introduce that seed of self-doubt. To a narcissist, this style of insult is simply a tool that gets them what they want. But what do they actually want?
Let’s see if you start to spot the pattern here with the next style of insult:
Imagine you’re sharing a heartfelt story with someone you believed to be a close friend. As you finish, she casually changes the subject, or worse, she subtly mocks the emotion behind your story. Suddenly, you feel exposed and foolish, wondering, “Was I too open? Did I embarrass myself?”
This insult is about ignoring or trivializing your emotions and experiences. The silent message being conveyed is: 'Your feelings, stories, and passions don’t matter.'
You might wonder if you’ve overshared, or if your feelings were too intense or simply unworthy of attention. When something vulnerable about you is dismissed or ridiculed, it hurts.
Tactic #2: Devaluing and Disregard
For people like us, it's easy to misread this tactic. You might think, “Maybe she just didn’t relate to my story, or maybe she’s heard something similar before.” But even though these types of insults are designed to make you feel small, that’s not the true motivation.
Notice that this tactic—like the previous one—is not just about the immediate discomfort or the fleeting hurt. It’s a calculated move. But, you’ve got to know what they’re after.
Which takes us to the next insult…
Imagine this scenario: You've just shared a major win with someone you thought would be happy for you. You're excited, brimming with pride, but he instantly deflates your joy. He says something like, “Yah… that’s good, but did you see what Jody did? She’s really something." Suddenly, instead of feeling supported, you're left feeling as though you’re never enough.
This insult leverages the natural human instinct to want to measure up, to be acknowledged and validated. By always placing you one step behind someone else, narcissists chip away at your self-esteem, ensuring you're in a constant state of striving and never feeling good enough.
Over time, you might internalize these messages, "Why can’t I be as good as Jody?" or "What’s wrong with me?" "Why is it always so easy for her?"
Tactic #3: Comparisons to Others
It's important to recognize the cruel intent behind such comparisons. The narcissist doesn’t necessarily believe that Jody is better—it’s really not about Jody—it’s about what the insult does to you. It’s a ploy to keep you in the game. But what game are they actually playing?
Let’s see if you can spot it in the next insult:
Imagine you’ve spent months working on something difficult—a piece of art, a first draft of a book, or a website for your new business. It’s been a challenging process and you share it with someone you trust, hoping for a bit of recognition or at least a word of encouragement or understanding. Her response? "Oh yah, I did something like that once, it was really easy for me. Why was it so hard for you?"
This tactic is truly toxic because it directly targets your motivation and discipline. By dismissing your hard work as something anyone could have done, narcissists attempt to strip away the value and meaning of your accomplishments.
Tactic #4: Belittling Your Efforts
Even worse, this type of insult is meant to train you into thinking that your efforts don’t matter. That whatever you strive for, isn’t within your control. It trains you into seeing yourself as helpless and hopeless.
It might be tempting to think that they're just trying to keep you grounded or to keep you from getting too arrogant. But that’s not what this is… it has nothing to do with humility and everything to do with diminishing your sense of self.
Before we unpack the underlying motive for all of these insults, let’s look at the last narcissistic tactic:
Imagine you've written a group email for work and cc’ed everyone on the team. Instead of taking you aside and having a private chat with you, your narcissistic boss replies: all (so everyone receives what should be a private message only to you). His reply? “I need to talk to you about this. This seems really far-fetched.” Your co-workers just chalk it up to your boss’s awkward humor, but you can feel that sinking pit in your stomach. You're mortified, left speechless, wondering why he’d say this in front of everyone.
This is not casual teasing or friendly banter. It's a calculated move to diminish your standing in front of others, to make you feel small, vulnerable, and isolated.
Tactic #5: Public Humiliation
When the humiliation happens in a public setting, the intention isn’t just to hurt you; it’s also to show others that they have the upper hand in the relationship.
People who genuinely care about you will understand the boundaries of humor and respect, especially in a public setting. A narcissist, however, weaponizes these moments to exert control, to send a clear message: "I can bring you down anytime I want."
You might feel like you should just brush it off, or laugh along to hide the hurt. But that hurt is real, and it's intentional. It's another piece in the puzzle of their overarching strategy—to keep you off balance, and to erode your self-worth.
In the grand scheme, each of these insults might appear isolated or insignificant. When you are on the receiving end of these tactics, they seem to have different motives: to hurt you, to belittle you, to keep you off balance, to reduce your self-esteem.
The Hidden Agenda
But all of these tactics have one unifying theme: power.
At their core, these behaviors are about gaining, maintaining, and exerting control in order to gain power. But why is this power so essential to a narcissist?
Narcissists are not solely driven by a pure desire to harm or degrade, although this can be a byproduct. Instead, their primary drive is to position themselves in a place of dominance, making sure that they continuously receive 'narcissistic supply'. This term refers to the attention, admiration, and emotional responses they extract from you. This supply feeds their ego and reinforces their sense of self. For a narcissist, every relationship is a zero sum game where the person with power wins and the person without power loses. And they do not… ever… want to lose.
Every tactic, be it public humiliation, backhanded compliments, or perpetual comparisons, serves the purpose of extracting power from you so they can gain the upper hand. The impact on you is two-fold: you become more reliant on the narcissist for validation (reinforcing their power), while simultaneously you feel diminished and less capable of challenging or leaving the dynamic (reinforcing your powerlessness). This is the narcissist's ultimate goal: keeping you stuck in this parasitic power play, ensuring a consistent and never-ending supply.
What makes these tactics especially poisonous is their subtlety. They often blend seamlessly into conversations, masquerading as genuine concern, affection, or even guidance. Over time, this steady drip of manipulation erodes your self-confidence, leaving you more susceptible to their control.
When you’re at the mercy of these dynamics, it’s hard to make sense of why they are sometimes nice and sometimes cruel. It almost seems like you’re dealing with two different people. But when you understand that this is always about power—you can see that the small moments of kindness are just as cruel as the moments of insult—because they are both intended for the same purpose: to render you powerless.
How to Protect Yourself
So the big challenge is making sure that you’re not only spotting the power play, but anticipating it.
This means remembering that although these insults are painful, they aren't necessarily about causing pain, but rather about sustaining a power balance. And when you’re dealing with a narcissist, their goal is always about gaining superiority and ensuring they are the dominant force in the relationship.
So here’s how you need to play the game from now on:
Instead of focusing on the insult, focus on maintaining your own power. Instead of allowing the insult to negatively affect you, see the game for what it is and refuse to hand over your power. By recognizing the motive, you’ve taken a crucial step toward reclaiming your life and beginning to heal.
To learn more about the steps to recovering from narcissistic abuse, and how to actually take your power back… I have this blog for you to read next—3 Steps to Heal from Narcissistic Abuse