You know how it goes. You're scrolling on Instagram and then all of a sudden you see someone you went to high school with, or somebody who has the same business as you, or your old next-door-neighbor… and they're put together, and their kids are beautiful, and they’re successful. And they have something that you wish you had, or you wish you were more like them, and then in an instant you feel that hit of, “Ugh, I’m not good enough.”
Well, that's commonly called compare and despair because you're comparing yourself to another person and then you feel this cycle of despair. Whether it's on social media, in our personal relationships, or within our professional lives, the cycle of compare and despair can take a toll on our self-worth.
To end the cycle, it’s important to look at the dynamics of compare and despair, explore the emotions of jealousy and envy, and learn how they can provide valuable insights into our values. By understanding and honoring these emotions, you can break free from the cycle, build self-worth, and cultivate healthier relationships with yourself and others.
Understand Jealousy v. Envy
When it comes to the compare and despair cycle, two emotions play a significant role: jealousy and envy. While these terms are often used interchangeably, they arise in different situations. Jealousy typically relates to intimate relationships and is triggered by feelings of unfaithfulness or deceit. Envy is a response to perceived unfairness in the distribution of resources or recognition.
Both jealousy and envy contain elements of anger and fear. To build self-worth, you need to recognize and acknowledge these emotions When you ignore or suppress these emotions, you not only degrade your self-esteem, you’ll run the risk of damaging your relationships.
The Importance of Honoring Your Feelings
Building self-worth requires you to honor your true self, including the emotions you experience. Jealousy and envy are genuine feelings that provide you with valuable information about your boundaries, values, and what is important to you. By honoring these emotions, you can gain a deeper understanding of yourself and take appropriate actions to address the underlying issues.
It's important to remember that all emotions, even the unpleasant ones, hold truth and offer insights. Honoring your emotions does not necessarily mean that the perceived threat or activity is real. Instead, it means that the emotions themselves are valid. By inviting these emotions in and paying attention to their messages, you can respond in a way that supports your well-being and growth.
The Difference Between Jealousy and Envy
Jealousy and envy both contain components of fear and anger. Jealousy, specifically related to intimate relationships, triggers an intuitive, protective response driven by fear and anger. The fear arises from the perceived threat to the security and intimacy of your important relationships. This response is rooted in our evolutionary nature as social beings. Our evolution depended of healthy and committed relationships not only for our emotional well-being, but for our actual survival.
Envy, on the other hand, is a threat response related to your social position, resources, or recognition. It elicits anger and fear in response to a perceived unfair distribution of these assets. Envy signals a need to protect social status, connection to resources, and the things we value.
When you experience jealousy or envy, it's important to break down these emotions to better understand the specific fears and threats involved. By articulating the fear and identifying what needs protection, you can begin to address the underlying issues that trigger these emotions.
How to Escape the Compare and Despair Cycle: A Guide
The compare and despair cycle is rooted in the concept of comparing yourself to an ideal image, whether it's your own or someone else's. This cycle erodes your self-worth, and the pursuit of the ideal image inevitably leads to despair. Here are the four steps to break free from the compare and despair cycle and cultivate self-worth:
1. Recognize jealousy and envy
Understand that compare and despair is not about shame but rather about experiencing jealousy and/or envy. Differentiate between the two and identify which emotions are at play.
2. Identify the threat
Determine the specific fear or threat that triggers these emotions. Clearly articulate what you are afraid of and recognize what needs protection, whether it's your relationships, social position, resources, or other aspects of your life.
3. Focus on what's true
Shift your attention from the ideal image to what is genuinely important to you. Honor your emotions and values, acknowledging the information they provide. By doing so, you can start transitioning from the worthless cycle to the worthy cycle.
4. Take action to reinforce self-worth
Once you have identified the underlying fears and threats, take action to protect what you value and deserve. Whether it's nurturing your relationships or asserting yourself in professional settings, prioritize activities that reinforce your self-worth and align with your values.
These steps are simple but they take time to put into practice. Pay attention to jealousy and envy. Honor your emotions. And take action to reinforce your own self-worth.