Ever noticed subtle changes in someone you love, or even yourself, that just don’t sit right? Maybe you’ve wondered if your daughter-in-law, your brother’s fiancé, your partner’s ex… or maybe even your own wife might be a narcissist? Today I want to speak not only to the men who might be in this situation, but also to the people who care about them.
For the past twenty years, as a coach, author, and survivor—I've studied the impact of narcissistic relationships on self-worth. Today, I’ll share 7 ways a narcissistic wife treats her husband, personal stories from my own experience, and effective strategies to help you reclaim your power and peace.
Sign 1: He Feels Like He’s The Problem.
Have you ever seen a man constantly doubting himself, always thinking he’s at fault, or maybe you’ve found yourself feeling like this? This is the first sign you’ll see with a narcissistic wife: the man feels like he’s the problem. And that’s exactly what the narcissist wants. She maintains control and dominance by making you feel guilty, selfish, and not good enough. She gains power by making you run in circles to make her happy. She’ll set you up with projects or lists, making you think that if you just do one more thing, she’ll finally appreciate you, or that you’ll finally feel that closeness or partnership that you hope for. Little by little she emasculates you, making you feel like a child who is always getting into trouble. And you stay stuck in a hamster wheel always trying to prove your worth and always feeling like the problem.
I had one client who brought home flowers for his wife and she threw the vase against the wall and started berating him for thinking that she liked roses. She made a scene telling him he didn’t love her because he didn’t know her favorite flower, that he obviously wanted to make her feel bad or he would have gotten lilies. She called him a cheap-skate for using the vase that came with the flowers. Instead of feeling loved and appreciated, he walked away feeling like he’d committed a crime.
Now, if this is happening to someone you know, the last thing he needs is to feel like he’s failing at one more thing, so don’t start poking holes in his relationship. Instead be a safe haven, where he can feel cared for without having to try to prove his worth.
If this is happening to you—please know: this is abuse. It’s terrible and it is not your fault. You feel like you’re the problem because she wants you to feel like this. To reclaim your power, use the "time-out" approach when conversations become manipulative or demeaning. As soon as you detect toxic behavior, calmly say, "I need a moment to process," and physically distance yourself from the situation. This method serves two purposes: it safeguards your mental well-being and interrupts the cycle of manipulation.
Be prepared for pushback. A narcissist will see this as a challenge to her control. She might react with criticism, attempt to guilt you for "abandoning" the conversation, or escalate her tactics to regain dominance. Stay firm in your decision, regardless of her reaction. This reinforces your boundaries and demonstrates that you will no longer tolerate disrespect.
Ever seen a man trapped in a relationship where his partner is in a constant state of dissatisfaction, always dreaming about a life that's just out of reach?
Sign 2: She Lives in a Fantasy.
Narcissists live in a delusional fantasy—where they are exceptional and you’re not good enough. A narcissistic wife believes she could have done better than you. She’ll act as if marrying you, or choosing you, made her the victim of unfairness. She’ll say things like, “I should have listened to my mother, she hated you.” Or, she’ll position things as if she thought you’d be successful, or thought you’d be better in some way, always playing into this fantasy where life should have served her more. She’ll blame you for the life she doesn't have, for the dreams unfulfilled.
My mom did this constantly to my dad. She’d bring up boyfriends from high school saying she should have married them. She’d talk about other men having better bodies, better hair, more money, better houses. She’d peck away at his aspirations, always making sure he wouldn’t be able to meet her expectations. She’d say this in front of us kids, she’d say this at church, she’d say it at family gatherings. In her mind she was Scarlett O’Hara and deserved unending attention, wealth, and admiration.
This tactic—creating a fantasy world—is a means to exert control by perpetuating a sense of inadequacy. So that you are fixated on meeting impossible standards instead of questioning the relationship. It’s a way to divert attention from her behaviors and shortcomings by focusing on your supposed failures.
If you see someone caught in a relationship where there’s a relentless pursuit of an unattainable fantasy, gently remind them of reality: that who they are and what they’ve done is enough. For those living this, the first step is to see through the manipulation. Try the "Reality Check Challenge" strategy. This involves directly calling out the fantasy for what it is and then refusing to chase after the illusion. When she paints her delusional picture of what life ‘should’ be, take a stand with, “I’m not interested in a pretend life.” Expect push back because this challenges the narrative she's constructed. However, standing firm in reality can slowly shift the dynamic, emphasizing a partnership based on mutual respect and realistic aspirations, rather than chasing shadows of what could be.
Sign 3: She’s Always Against Him.
Ever noticed how some men seem to lack a cheerleader in their corner, no matter what they achieve or how hard they try? This is the third sign you’ll see: she’ll always be against him. She will never act like a true partner. Instead, she’ll be in competition with you. She’ll try to one-up you. She’ll try to embarrass you. She’ll try to belittle you. You won’t feel like an equal, and you won’t feel recognized or appreciated. This constant state of opposition drains your confidence and feeds into a narrative where you can do no right.
For instance, I was at a family member's house and she offered to make coffee. In the same breath, she announced that her husband couldn’t be trusted to make it because he wastes so much. She was smug and self-righteous as if she was impressing us and went on to tell us how she rations out single daily coffee pods to him so that he doesn’t cost her too much money. He was sitting right there in front of us. It was so uncomfortable, but he was obviously used to it. He just seemed beat down and defeated.
This kind of pettiness and control isn’t just about knocking the man down a peg, it’s a tactic to keep him unsteady and unsure, always dependent on her validation that never comes. It’s a power play, making sure he remains under her thumb, questioning his worth instead of recognizing his value. If you see this happening to a friend or family member, it’s essential to counteract the negativity they face at home with genuine acknowledgment and appreciation.
To reclaim your power in moments of criticism, try the "Direct Challenge" technique. This approach involves calmly confronting the criticism with a statement that highlights the lack of support and teamwork, while also checking to see if this triggers a narcissistic reaction. For example, respond with, “When you criticize me like this, it feels like we’re not on the same team. Is that what you’re aiming for?” This direct challenge changes the power dynamic.
Be ready, though, because a narcissist will not take this well. They will likely react defensively or with more criticism, seeing your stand as a threat to their control. This reaction is telling; a supportive partner would consider your point and work towards understanding, not escalate the conflict. Stick to your guns, because you deserve teamwork and mutual respect in your relationship.
Sign 4: She Isolates Him from His Community
Have you seen a man gradually become more isolated from his friends and family, his social life shrinking until it seems like he’s living on an island, with only his partner for company? This is sign number four: Isolation from Community.
She slowly cuts you off from friends, family, coworkers—especially other women. This means your sisters, your mom, your friends’ wives will all be on the chopping block. She will see others as a threat because they could possibly expose her for who she really is. Then in other ways, she’ll try to point you toward someone who she doesn’t consider threatening—people that either fall for her spell, or who aren’t in competition with her.
She won’t outright forbid you from seeing people; instead, she’ll criticize them, make plans that always seem to clash with your social engagements, or emotionally punish you if you spend time away from her. This is a tactic to keep you in a world where no one witnesses or questions her abuse. Eventually it’s just easier to say no to invitations rather than to argue—exactly what she wanted.
I’ve personally been deemed the threatening woman—the one that can’t be in the family, the one that can’t be part of the community. Not because I’m after someone’s husband, but because the narcissist knew I saw her clearly. As soon as she realized her cover was blown, the narcissistic wife started an insane campaign against me and my husband, making her husband, and everyone else in the family still under her spell, take her side. We were immediately ostracized and shunned. Within hours she had a narrative in place and circled the wagons to keep anyone from speaking with us.
If you notice someone beginning to disappear into their relationship, it’s essential to reach out, to remind them that they’re not alone and that their friends and family remain ready to support them. For those experiencing this, use the "Reconnect and Rebuild" strategy and reach out to one person each week, gradually rebuilding the support network that’s been eroded. This helps you slowly invest in meaningful connections that exist outside of your relationship.
Be prepared for backlash. She will see these rekindled connections as a threat to her control. She might escalate her attempts to guilt-trip you for "neglecting" her. But stay strong in knowing you have a right to your independence and to relationships beyond her sphere of influence.
Sign 5: She Withdraws Affection.
Ever feel like the closeness you seek is a carrot on a stick, always pulled away just when you think you've finally got it? This is the fifth sign you’re dealing with: Withdrawal of Affection.
Early on, a narcissist will often use sexuality or intimacy as a way to manipulate you into bonding with her. This manipulation is meant to fast-track the relationship, or to lock down her sense of power and control. After the love-bombing phase, this flips. Where intimacy was once a manipulation tool to bring you in, the withdrawal of it becomes a tool to dominate you and diminish your self-worth. This is really confusing, because she wasn’t always like this, so you might turn this on yourself thinking that you’re not as attractive, or you’re doing something wrong, always trying to chase what you need to do to make her happy.
And this isn’t just something that happens with narcissistic wives, my ex-husband did this exact same thing. For the first year, everything seemed normal and fine and then inexplicably he just stopped being intimate, stopped finding me attractive, stopped acting as if I was even a woman. This devastated me, because it played perfectly into my low self-esteem–always thinking that if I was prettier, thinner, nicer… then he’d want me. I spent 17 years trying to get him to want me again. I didn’t see it for the unbelievable manipulation that it was.
Seeing someone trapped in this cycle can be heartbreaking. If it’s happening to someone you care about, gently remind them that this isn’t what healthy love looks like. To reclaim your power and turn the tables on this manipulative tactic, implement the "Assert and Redirect" strategy. When you notice affection being used as a bargaining chip, address it head-on with, “I’ve noticed a pattern of affection being withdrawn and that’s not working for me.” Follow this by stepping back, to show you’re serious. This move isn’t just about highlighting your dissatisfaction; it shows that you’re aware of the manipulation and refuse to participate in it. This stance disrupts the expected response and signals to the narcissist that their tactics are no longer effective, shifting the power dynamic in your favor.
Expect resistance. A narcissist may double down, accusing you of being ungrateful or overly sensitive, attempting to blur the lines of your reality once more. However, recognizing this pattern for what it is—a manipulation tactic—is your first step toward reclaiming your self-worth and seeking a healthier dynamic, either in this relationship or outside it.
Sign 6: She Manipulates Through Targeting and Gaslighting.
Ever found yourself or witnessed someone question their own memory, trying to grapple with what really happened? This is the sixth way a narcissist wife treats her husband: Targeting and Gaslighting.
With this type of emotional manipulation, she’ll make her husband the target of blame for her internal feelings. She’ll blame you for things that never happened, or things that happened before you knew her. She will create a narrative that supports her feelings and then try to convince you that your understanding of reality is wrong. She’ll try to emotionally punish you, or enact some sort of vengeance by making you the target for the discomfort of her inner world. If you try to confront her, or try to explain reality, she’ll double down with narrative. And for an empathetic and grounded person, this is so disorienting because she’s so convicted in her beliefs, that you think that she must be telling the truth. It’s not just about making you feel like you’re always the problem; it’s deeper, more devious. It’s about eroding your trust in your own thoughts and feelings, keeping you off-balance and more easily controlled.
I witnessed this first-hand with someone I love dearly. He was always anxious and worried and constantly trying to make sense of his ex-wife. He was to the point where he’d take photos and keep them cataloged in private files on his computer. He’d keep voice recordings, screenshots of texts, all just trying to figure out where the ground was. Even small things, like where he left a laundry basket, what calendar date something had been scheduled, or whether he’d paid for something—he couldn’t trust himself. He’d been living with such long-term gaslighting that he no longer believed his own memory.
If you notice someone seemingly unsure of their own mind, it’s crucial to gently offer perspectives that validate their experiences, helping them navigate what’s real and what’s not. If you’re enduring this yourself, one actionable step is the "Reality Check" method. Keep a private journal of conversations and events, noting dates, times, and details. Keep screen shots, copies of emails, anything that helps you stand firmly in reality. When faced with gaslighting, refer to your notes to confirm the truth, then, if safe, confront the behavior with evidence. Say, “I know the truth, and you can’t change that.” This isn’t about winning an argument but standing firm in reality. Expect resistance. A narcissist will escalate her tactics when faced with such direct challenges to her control. However, consistently relying on your documented truths can strengthen your confidence and self-trust.
Sign 7: She Keep Him Under a Microscope.
Have you ever been in a relationship where every action, choice, and even thought seems to require approval or direction from your partner? This dynamic is the 7th sign: Living Under a Microscope.
This feels as if you’re perpetually auditioning for the role of a good husband, where every move is constantly being evaluated and criticized. Maybe she doesn’t want you to drink, or spend money in certain ways, or eat certain things, and it will be couched in a way that’s supposedly good for you, or good for the family. But you’ll start feeling a battle within yourself to either do what she says to make her happy, or find ways where you can sneak a little freedom. You’ll feel guilty for wanting to break free from the constant monitoring, but also resentful that you have no sense of sovereignty.
This isn’t just a narcissistic wife thing, it’s common in narcissistic relationships. My ex husband wouldn’t exactly tell me what to do, but I’d know that he didn’t “allow” certain things. For example, it wasn’t okay for me to buy something with my own money, that was deemed materialistic. Instead, I should spend the money on something that directly benefited him (a vacation, a night out, sports gear). I constantly battled this feeling of guilt and selfishness, while also feeling desperate to find a little joy. So I’d go shopping and hide what I bought. I’d even wear other clothes when I was leaving the house, like a teenager rebelling against her mother, and then change once I was safely out of his view.
This level of control is a strategy aimed at diminishing your independence, making sure you remain tightly bound within the confines set by the narcissist. If you see someone stuck in this situation, remind them of their right to privacy and autonomy. If you’re experiencing this, try the "Assert and Act" strategy. Start with small, unilateral decisions to reassert your independence. Inform her of the decision after the fact, rather than asking for permission. For example, “I decided to spend some time with friends this weekend,” or “I made a purchase that was important to me.”
Be prepared for backlash, because this shift challenges the established control dynamics. Expect explosive anger, attempts to guilt you, or an escalation in her demands for information. Asserting your right to independence is crucial. Over time, this strategy not only helps you regain a sense of self but also sends a clear message that control and micromanagement are not acceptable within the relationship.
SO TO RECAP…
7 SIGNS OF A NARCISSISTIC WIFE:
HER HUSBAND FEELS LIKE HE’S THE PROBLEM
SHE LIVES IN A FANTASY: CONSTANTLY COMPARES HER HUSBAND TO HER DELUSIONS
SHE’S ALWAYS AGAINST HIM
ISOLATES HERSELF AND HER HUSBAND FROM COMMUNITY
WITHDRAWAL OF AFFECTION AS A MEANS OF MANIPULATION
TARGETING AND GASLIGHTING
criticizing AND MONITORING HIS EVERY MOVE
Understanding these signs is a crucial first step in reclaiming your power and autonomy, but it’s just the beginning. To fully protect yourself, we need to dive deeper into the narcissist’s playbook.
Learn the 5 Ways Narcissists Insult You & What They're Really After. Learn to recognize these specific insults and understand the motives behind them, so you can quickly flip the power dynamics, take back control of your life, and safeguard your self-worth.