You probably know that you should love yourself… but how do you actually do that? Loving yourself might sound cliché or unimportant, but the truth is that your self-respect and self-love will affect every single part of your life. If you want to have better relationships, be a better parent, enjoy more success, or live a happier and more meaningful life, you have to not only learn these 3 steps… you need to actually DO this. Don’t worry, it's simpler than you think.
The truth is we’re all seeking confidence and wanting to love ourselves but most people are going about it in the wrong way—actually making it impossible to love themselves. So, I want to save you a whole lot of time, pain, and confusion. If you’re someone who’s ever lacked confidence, felt insecure, or if you’ve unsure about how you’re ever going to truly experience self-love, keep on reading!
What Does It Mean to Love Yourself?
Before we get into how to love yourself, I think it’s important to know what self-love actually means. I want you to think of self-love as something you DO rather than something you FEEL. I want you to think of self-love as a practice, not as a destination. There is no finish line where all of a sudden you officially love yourself. So rather than seeing it as a feeling, a destination, an end goal… I want you to think of it as a process that you do, an action that you take, or a way that you behave.
There’s a slew of definitions for the word “love”—from having a deep affection, to really enjoying something, to admiration, desire, and kinship.
But self-love isn’t really any of that. If you expect to have a deep affection for yourself, or to really admire, or even to feel familial kinship for yourself… you might not ever get there. We are hard-wired to find fault with ourselves and to try to better ourselves. And that’s actually a really good thing. That desire to be better, to grow, to improve, keeps us alive and vital. And we don’t want to lose that.
So for the purposes of self-love–I want to use a slightly different definition of the word “love.” One that should not only fit your most important relationships (kids, family, friends, pets, home) but one that really helps you understand how to love YOU.
Definition of Self-Love
The definition of love is: caring and generous concern for the good of another.
So let’s break that down:
Care means responsibility for or attention to
Generous means giving without hesitation
Concern means to engage
Good in this context means the advancement of wellbeing.
This means that the definition of self-love is: the responsibility to engage in giving without hesitation to the advancement of your own wellbeing.
That means self-love is based on the idea of caring for yourself, generous to yourself, and being responsible for the well-being of yourself.
So these fundamental ideas of care, generosity, responsibility, and wellbeing are at the core of self-love and we are going to apply these ideas to three key aspects of loving yourself.
How to Love Your Past
The first step to loving yourself is to learn how to love your past self. No matter who you are, what you’ve done, or what’s been done to you—you are worthy of care, generosity, concern, and wellbeing. You are not defined by the worst thing that you’ve ever done and you’re not defined by the worst thing that ever happened to you.
To love yourself you’re going to have to let go of all the ‘what-ifs’. You’re going to have to let go of your ideas of how your life should have, could have, or would have been different. You’re going to have to let go of all of the past decisions you’ve made and the ones you didn’t make.
If you are harboring regret, grief, sorrow and pain from your past: old wounds, trauma, addictions, and baggage… you’re stuck in a cycle of not caring for yourself. Instead, you’re caring about something that already happened or didn’t happen. To put it bluntly, you’re spending your life stuck in a story that’s not benefiting you and are engaging in a fantasy that ultimately hurts you.
If loving yourself is the responsibility to engage in giving without hesitation to the advancement of your own wellbeing. Then loving your past-self is also the responsibility of generous attention to your own wellbeing.
By engaging in painful fantasies about rewriting the past, you’re doing the exact opposite. Instead of caring for yourself, you’re being inconsiderate. Instead of being generous, you’re being petty and punitive. Instead of engaging, you’re evading. Instead of advancing your wellbeing, you’re perpetuating misery.
To turn this around, for myself and for my clients, I use this quick phrase:
“You don’t have a time machine.”
Because unless you have some magical delorean that can take you back in time… the only way to freedom and peace is to stop pretending as if your past can be changed.
Self-love is a process that you do, an action that you take, or a way that you behave that reinforces that you are responsible for generous attention to your own wellbeing.
To love your past self, start by rewriting your history. Instead of dwelling in the fantasy past, rewrite your history to align with reality. Instead of wishing it was different, accept what it was. This doesn’t mean that you have to forgive it, or that you condone it. Rather, it means that you accept that the past is unchangeable, that it already happened, and that it doesn’t define you. You can journal about this, pray about it, meditate on it, use mantras and affirmations, or reach out to a skilled coach or therapist. The key to this step is that you are responsible for neutralizing your past for your own wellbeing.
Speaking of journaling … I just created a Self-Worth Workbook, A Daily Guide to Build Self-Esteem. It’s my FREE gift to you for being a part of my community.
How to Love Who You Are
The second step to loving yourself is to learn how to love who you are today. First, you need to know that this isn’t unconditional love. I don’t know that unconditional self love is even possible, let alone beneficial. Loving yourself isn’t about kicking back and just saying, “Wow… I’m amazing!” Loving yourself requires effort. It requires attention. It requires action. Self-love isn’t a switch you can flip, it’s a process, a practice, something you DO, not something you GET.
If we’re defining self-love as care and generous concern for your own wellbeing…
Then self-love isn’t something that happens to you, it’s something that you make happen through care, generosity, concern, and progress.
Care means to take responsibility for or give attention to your present self.
Generosity means that you give your present day self what you need without holding back.
Concern means that you engage with yourself, you’re not on auto-pilot. You’re intentional.
Progress means that you want good for yourself, that you’re working toward your own wellbeing.
To do this, ask yourself this question: If I cared about myself, what would I do?
What’s amazing about that question is that you always have an answer for it. I find that pretty fascinating that some part of your mind will always be able to tell you exactly what you need to do to care for yourself.
Then you have to DO the thing. Whether it's to go for a walk, drink a glass of water, stop mindless scrolling, cook a healthy meal… There is always something you can do to participate in self-love.
How to Love Your Future
The last step to loving yourself is to love who you will become—your future self. This doesn’t mean fantasizing about some idealized version of yourself. It doesn’t mean daydreaming about the better, smarter, thinner, more successful image that you hope to become. It means actually caring for who you will be in 5 minutes, 5 days, or 5 years. It means understanding that who you are now and the actions you take will not only affect that future you, but could actually harm or benefit that future-you.
I'll tell you where this really clicked for me. I had been divorced for a few months, a newly single mom and my daughter and I had just moved to this new house and I had an elaborate garden. One day I haul my green bin out. I worked in the garden, raked up the leaved, put them in the trash can, and walked away.
I wasn't even aware of what I did. I walked away from that trash can and then for three days straight, I passed that trash can. It was in the middle of my backyard and I just kept thinking to myself, “Who's gonna take care of that? Who's gonna move that? Who's gonna put it away?” as if some trashcan fairy was going to come in and save the day for me.
That’s when it clicked for me. I realized, “Oh. It's me. It's just me.”
Instead of thinking someone else is going to save me, or someone else is going to do this for me, or I shouldn’t have to do x, y, z… I now tell myself:
No one is coming.
This means that I am in charge of caring for my future self. And so are you.
So if you have something that needs to be done, a dream you’re trying to achieve, or a goal that you want to attain—it means that somewhere out there, there’s a future self relying on YOU to do the work. No one else is coming to save you. No one else is going to do it for you.
Love for your future-self isn’t something that anyone else can do for you. It is something that you make happen through care, generosity, concern, and progress.
Care means to take responsibility for or give attention to what will make life easier and better for your future self.
Generosity means that you give freely of your time and energy to activities that will create a better life for your future self.
Concern means that you engage with your future self, you’re not going to accidentally end up with an amazing future self. You’ll only get there with intentional effort.
Progress means that you want good for your future self, that you’re willing to work today so that your future-self reaps the reward of wellbeing.
Then you have to DO something that shows care, generosity, and concern for your future self. Something that promotes wellbeing to who you will be in 5 minutes, 5 days, or 5 years from now.
Do the dishes so that ‘future-you’ doesn’t have to deal with them. Go to bed earlier so that ‘future-you’ isn’t so dang tired. Make a shopping list, so that future-you isn’t stressed out at the grocery store. Practice yoga, so that future-you has more strength and flexibility.
How to Love Yourself: 3 Steps to Build Confidence
Self-love is based on the idea of care for yourself, generosity to yourself, and being responsible for the well-being of yourself. That means that confidence is built through care, generosity, responsibility, and wellbeing.
So to recap… To love yourself:
You need to love your “past self”. You do this by taking responsibility to give generous attention for your own wellbeing. The only way to freedom and peace is to stop wishing for a time machine and do what it takes to let go of your past.
Love who you are right now, present tense. Self-love isn’t something that happens to you, it’s something that you make happen through action that displays care, generosity, concern, and progress.
Love your future self. Remember, there’s a future self relying on YOU to do the work. No one else is coming to save you. No one else is going to do it for you.
To love yourself it really comes down to self-care. True self-care is about taking action and it’s important to understand what that really means and how to do it right. To learn more about self-care style would work best for you–watch this video next: 9 Simple Self-Care Habits That Will Instantly Transform Your Life.