Narcissists lie often—but it all circles back to three secrets: they depend on your attention, thrive on your emotions, and can’t genuinely care about you. If you recognize these patterns, you can stop fueling them. Your worth isn’t utility—and once you see that, their game unravels.
Did you know that narcissists lie up to three times every 10 minutes? That’s 18 lies an hour. 432 lies a day. Sounds like a lot of secrets, right? But the truth is, all those lies boil down to just three things they’re desperate to hide.
I’ve spent the last 20 years studying self‑worth and narcissistic relationships. As a coach, author, and survivor, I teach simple systems to protect your power. Today, I’m going to show you the three secrets narcissists don’t want exposed so that you can see straight through them.
Secret #1: They Depend on Your Attention
They don’t have a stable sense of self. They need your attention. Without your attention, they don’t feel like they exist. Their insatiable need for affirmation is a critical part of their psychological makeup.
So why keep it a secret? Because if you saw how much they depend on attention, the whole façade of power and control would collapse.
A grandiose narcissist demands admiration, hiding their neediness behind a mask of superiority.
A covert narcissist is more subtle, seeking validation through pity, sympathy, or playing the victim.
Either way, the goal is the same: to secure your attention as supply.
You see this all the time: a relative hijacks a wedding with a long toast, not to honor the couple but to reclaim the spotlight. A mother‑in‑law sighs, “I guess I’m not important to anyone.” Until you rush to reassure her.
What looks like vulnerability is really a demand for supply.
How to respond:
Reflect neutrally without giving them praise: “Sounds like you’re proud of what you accomplished.”
Then redirect, or excuse yourself politely. That breaks the pattern.
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Secret #2: They Thrive on Your Emotions
Your emotions are their currency. And the two they crave most? Pity and admiration.
Admiration makes them feel like a hero; pity makes them feel like the wounded figure. Either way, they elevate themselves.
They also feed on your guilt, frustration, anger—every reaction strengthens them. So they provoke. They stir things up. Your response proves that they matter—that they have power.
You see this everywhere. A wife picking a fight at a dinner party, not just to pull attention, but to spark reaction. Or a coworker complaining about being ignored, fishing for sympathy.
How to respond:
Use the grey rock method. When you feel yourself getting sucked in, stop.
Make your response short and flat: “Okay, I understand.” No emotion, no fuel.
If they escalate, end the interaction: “I need to step away now.”
Secret #3: They Don’t Have the Capacity to Care About You
Here’s a metaphor I learned years ago: to a narcissist, you’re a toaster.
You might use the toaster daily. You might like it. But when it breaks or stops serving you, you discard it without guilt.
Now imagine that applied to people. This is how narcissists operate.
You might be used, ignored, or thanked—but never loved for you. Their love is about utility. When you stop performing, they’ll replace you without a second thought.
A grandiose narcissist sees you as an accessory, something to amplify their image.
A covert narcissist wants you to overfunction, to prop up their victim story.
How to respond:
Use the utility check method: observe their actions, not words. Are you valued for what you do, not who you are?
When they push the button, don’t give in. Say firmly, “That doesn’t work for me,” or “I’m not available.”
If they react or escalate, disengage. You are not an appliance. You deserve to be loved for who you are—not what you provide.
And if you want to go deeper, click here to discover the — 5 Signs She’s a Covert Narcissist. You’ll learn more tools for spotting manipulation and creating boundaries that actually work.
I’m glad you’re here. Let’s keep going.
—Meadow