My boat has officially been rocked.
And not in a good way.
From two sides of my life, one from the West - one from the East. Two storms crashed right into the middle of my week. Into the center of my life.
I can't stop these storms. I can't make these storms behave the way I want them to behave. I can't stop them from shaking up my ocean.
This is me. In the middle of it. No land in sight.
How do I want to I handle this? What am I making this mean? Who do I want to be in the midst of this?
Will I allow this to sink me?
Or do I have the courage to swim?
Ugh. I think I should have taken more swimming lessons.
Before coaching, when times got rough, I used to jump ship immediately. Trying to run from difficulty. I used to do anything I could to avoid feeling the brunt of the storm.
I tried to avoid feeling hurt.
I tried to avoid feeling sad.
I tried to avoid feeling less than. I tried to avoid feeling scared.
I had all kinds of tactics for this avoidance. I would drink. I would eat. I would buy new outfits. Or handbags. I'd watch TV. Spend useless hours on the internet. All the while, sinking to the bottom. Avoiding what was really going on. And feeling helpless to save myself.
What I know now: that outfit won't fix this. It can't save me from these feelings.
Neither will the drink. The chips. American Idol. Facebook.
Because the storm is going on whether I'm riding the waves or buried on the ocean floor.
There is no immunization shot that I can take to avoid my own life.
Nor do I want to.
I'm swimming now. And although it's difficult. And painful. And I feel all of it. I'm coaching myself. Journaling. Working through my thoughts.
I'm present. I'm here. And I'm witnessing my own life. And there is nothing more precious than that.
Putting pen to paper. Again and again.
I like who I am.
This is who I want to be.
I am a woman who is willing to weather the storms. And keep swimming.
My life saver is me.